Das Connection

How Much Do You Miss A Girl?

2011-12-04T03:50:00.002+08:00

I had a dream last night. Prepare for more wild imaginations.

In the dream, it was the future. A few years have passed and I still feel young at heart but around me, my mother is old and my family have moved on.

Me and her, we, we are at my wedding. I've got the perfect wedding: the nice bride, the complete wedding and no problems occupying my brain. To most people its the ideal situation where they wish would last forever and everything will be perfect. For me, as always, it's not what it seems.

At the very last minute before the officializing of the ceremony, I did what I knew I had to do. I called off the wedding despite everyone in totally joyful mood. The reason? Because I couldn't face the fact that if I were to continue and be married with the bride, Mirja would be out of my life already. She wouldn't have a chance, all the slightest possibility of having her forever would be gone and died and dead with her.

In other words, I cancelled the wedding because I didn't want to kill that small small hope I have left in me to have her.

My mother who have been working so hard for us kids and me ever since before we were born, she took it gracefully and totally understood my decision and was fully supportive. I heavy heartedly moved on and accept my own decision as the right move.

Many more years have passed and again the whole scenario repeats itself. And I can't believe it either but I did it the second time again! I cancelled my wedding for the second time again last minute for the same reason. This time even my beloved mom couldn't take it no more as I've drained her lifelong savings to flatness over this fictional girl. I feel so sad and bad and sorry for her inside and totally hate myself but I still stuck with my decision.

And I finish the dream still single.

Back to reality, after a day's thinking, I think that's how much I miss Mirja my dutch girl.

2011-11-18T01:47:00.003+08:00

A lecturer once said:

A girl may be hot but a person with knowledge is sexier.

Then I figured later on this:

Knowledge is sexy but information about other people (without their knowledge) is sexier.

And now I figured this:

Real knowledge in the art of getting information about people is dangerous. I've become the danger to others.

Another Secret They Didn't Tell You About

2011-11-18T01:41:00.003+08:00

Fact is if we spend the amount of time spent on reading the books on reading people, we'll actually go further than just reading the books might bring us. Instead of using the knowledge from the books, we are using the people who's using the knowledge from the books.

Nowander the best people around aren't the ones who read the books best.

2011-10-09T00:56:00.000+08:00

I'm stopping blogging.

Believing is Being.

2011-07-17T17:11:00.003+08:00

I had erased the left side before wishing I hadn't done that before this.

I had written this super detailed manuscript about a new concept I wanted to experiment out on my surrounding. At the moment of writing this, I was really contemplating doing it and skeptical about it. Alas, I had to write it down.

The underlying concept here about doing so it by writing it out, we are gratificating it into our reality. Even if it is not our reality, by saying it many times and putting our mind into thinking of it and heart into believe it, this shows it can and eventually will be our reality.

I wrote a very extensive instruction to myself on how a step by step explanation on how to make my reality become something it isn't. It wasn't easy to believe a non fact, but one week later I felt the whole manuscript is now redundant already.

Was it really necessary? The way things is now, I have doubts. But in truth it surely was. It shows that people can adapt to changes, be it natural or self inflicted.

As I'm erasing the whole lot, I can't help but summarized it in my mind into just a few words..

One more. The content of it, that's something I'm not gonna share yet ;)

This Is Reality

2011-06-19T04:51:00.002+08:00

Today (Sunday the 19th June 2011) is mother's birthday and father's day.

And all three kids are officially out of the house already.

Must be lonely for them.

An Interesting Person Living A Boring Life.

2011-06-17T06:11:00.004+08:00

..doesn't make the person a boring person, unlike what's commonly inferred. It shows, among others, the person have focus and a plan.

Last semester I had one of the greatest experience and sweetest memories of my short life and I concluded noone really knows anyone nowadays. How am suppose to share what I've gone through was beyond me, alas share I did not.

For this semester holiday I've decided to spend my holidays by just staying at the hostel, my own room, without doing anything. No outings, no shopping, no dating, no clubbing, no parties, no camping, no great outdoor, nothing. People keep asking me " When are you going back? When are you going home?"

And I'll answer as always, I'm not going back, this is my home.

The home ya' all referrin' to is technically my parent's house and they brought me up there. Same goes with my sister and brother. Like a bird from a nest, once they've grown old enough they'll fly on their own. That house is just another house. Time's changed and people changed too, the home it was now is just another empty plot waiting for time to decide it's fate. No doubt it has sentimental values, but I doubt there is any present home value to it anymore.

Even my dog realises that and doesn't stay there much anymore. Speaks alot by itself.

And they'll think I'm crazy. I'll think they're disillusioned. It seems nobody else beside me seem to realise that home is where we are, not where we think we should be? What the hell is wrong with the world today.

Yes, I am staying in the quiet campus, in my own room. Not doing anything, boring it sure is. But unlike most who just walk through their life, mine's all planned ahead. I'm staying in my room because I'm sticking to my own belief that I've seen enough of the outside world, and the answer to my biggest concern right now lies in me. I need time for myself. Away from all the media influence and distractions of this modern world.

I'd rather grounded me here with a plan, than flying without a destination me there.

If I had the means, I would reteach the whole world how to live life the correct way.

Boring I am not, I'm just choosing to do what others consider least fun. For those who know me well, you bet I'm having the time of my life again, as ever.

At A Place Where All The Veins Meet

2011-06-14T22:04:00.004+08:00

Another thing about me not many know.

Occasionally I will get some unexplainable feeling. My heart feels like it's working overtime after being squeezed and emotions are really strong. Like now.

Many friends of mine are going off to a mandatory school field trip to Cameron Highlands. I am not going and although I don't feel "punished" for having to go, I do feel something else. Something more complicated, something more human.

Up till last semester Cameron Highlands have no significance to me other than being a place I frequent in my childhood days. Until Mirja came and added sugar to a dull place and made memories too sweet I'm struggling to let go of now.

Whenever my friends complain about having to "voluntarily" give up their 2 short weeks of holiday in the name of education and mention about the cursed place, I agree with their plight but deep down I feel my split side telling me all about the good times we had there.

Waking up every morning with absolutely nothing in mind of what to do the whole day, other than just walk around and chill. Going to the restaurants and have a meal with her anytime. Talking for long periods followed by no conversation for long periods too. What's crazy? It doesn't exist!

I've always been a logical person 99% of the time but right now I'm 99% emotions. Thanks for all the memories girl, and one day I'll find someone worthwhile to share all this stories to. Maybe another stranger of Mirja's impact.

And when emotions run high, my logical mind tells me I should seriously pack my simple bag and get myself on the school bus leaving for CH this friday morning, via the back door. Can be done, always been doing but one thing I can't do is turn back time.

It's Neither Brain or Looks. It's Both and nothing less.

2011-06-08T10:40:00.006+08:00

I feel like I'm surrounded by a lot of stupid girls. Not my friends, but the potential dating targets.

The likes of the Jings, the Mirjas and the Sarahs that I've got to know must be the reason I'm feeling hollow whenever I meet new girls.

They've made most other girls look really shallow in terms of depth.

I secretly long for the smart, independent and pretty kind of girl, but they are just so rare. Most of the girls I know have still a long way to go from anywhere there. Pretty sad it really is.

Oh well. What the hell.

Now we know if finding beauty is hard, finding brains is also hard, then finding my miss right is actually quite hard.

The World Revolve Around Us, So We Better Start Being In Control! before we spiral to nowhereness

2011-06-08T01:01:00.004+08:00

There's a saying that goes:

Small minds talk about people;
Average mind talks about events;
Great minds talks about ideas.

If that's true (it is!) then I would be in the 3rd category because I'm always talking about ideas, concepts, phillosophy and principles.

I do sometimes talk about events though honestly speaking, I find it a heavy topic to talk about because it's all about the past and talking about it means spending effort and resources retelling something that's dead.

Maybe one day technology would enable us to just output our history and stories out effortlessly, like a thumb drive revealing the daily log of a machine/robot. But for now, for me I find it a hassle. Hassle but one necessary to be normal in this world.

Next, I spend even less time discussing about people, if ever. People. It just doesn't interest me at all. Since many years already I've concluded that people are just free numbers. They may be anything, any value, but at the end of the day their behavior is not totally unpredictable. Just like numbers, whatever they are, they are still figures.

All of the above is to relate to another point of mine I'm trying to make right now.

This world knows a culture of drinking for social reasons. For some reason people have the tendency to judge others by their behavior or rather ability to drink, not get drunk but eventually still get wasted. My peers seems to be the ones always clubbing, drinking and smoking, and by not drinking clubbing regularly and definitely not smoking, it's obvious I'll always be the odd one out.

I've always allowed that knowledge to somewhat consume me, but today (out of the blues) I've decided I will from today onwards, be a self declared "clean person". That means no drinking for social reasons to prove ranking, no clubbing for coolness and no smoking. I might still drink occasionally for my own pleasure, but it will definitely not be because of social image. Fuck that.

Like in whatever we do, the real pride we get from doing something is by doing that something with real pride. I will take pride in not bowing to society's stereotype definition of coolness.

Yeah. The next time anyone asks me, I'll say I don't drink, I don't club and I don't smoke. That's just so fucking awesome, I believe it is, and I will take pride in that belief.

Dislikes Noisy People

2011-06-08T00:55:00.002+08:00

I don't like people who talk so much. I'm referring to no one in particular, but this kind of people should just shut up.

Some say talking much comes naturally. If that's so, then your kind better stay far far from me.

Others who talks alot are actually the ones who spend their talking time telling jokes/being hilarious. Yes it's fun and pleasuring, but overdoing it kills it too. Even they should know when to stop.

My kind. Despite what it sometimes seem that I'm a boring person/lost at random conversations, I would reckon I'm far from actually being a boring person. I have my own time of funny laughter and also my own ways of being funny without the great amount of talking. Humour is an art, it's a style, it's part of my swagger; talking alot isn't.

Just a random thought. Those of you who knows me in person would be able to relate what I'm saying here quite well.

This Life Really Is A Bittersweet Symphony

2011-06-05T14:32:00.005+08:00

I seem to have that outlook which gives people the incorrect impression about me. Like when I'm studying, people seem to think I'm doing it so well as if I've spent my whole life eating the book and the bookworms, stuff like that.

It's no wonders too how I'm always being stereotyped, treated like I'm the genuine deal like people who have been doing that all their life. Genuine I am not. For example I used to suck so badly in studies many times I considered forfeiting education altogether. Most whatever I am today is because I wanted or needed to be like that. By passion or by pressure, or both.

Furthermore, I actually take offense in people prejudging me into becoming what I never really am, and treating me as if I'm like that. I find it offensive because in deciding that approach, they have rested their case and made their mind up, and I eventually become what they think I am because of their initial impression. All of which is incorrect.

Maybe I should think of a new approach in life. It seems this life is filled with single styled individuals so much so till being single style is almost to be expected of humans. I honestly don't see why can't a person be 2/3 personalities in one mould, and free to interchange between them as he likes. To put things into perspective, having multiple personality itself is a type of personality.

Like from a computer game, there's this one particular hero who speciality is at replicating others. I like to think myself as that. Watch, look, learn and mimic.

Away from conceptual stuff and back to real world, I think I should include a new ability. That is, to sell my qualities because so far being passive isn't really stimulating the forces of the world to react the way I want them to.

Till then, over and out.

From The Verve Pipe's Bittersweet Symphony:

I'm a million different person from one day to the next.

And I can change my mould.

And I'm loving every bit of it.

Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained. Pt.2

2011-06-04T22:24:00.002+08:00

Do anyone else beside me realise there's this something called the awkward mood? It's when we step out of our comfort zone of tried and tested, routine option and into a new world of possibilities we've never actually tried before?

It's like everyday Mr.A goes to B via road C and after 100 years of doing so, he decided he should try out road D. That new feeling of being slight out of place, mixed emotions possibly excited possibly nervous, unknown outcome. That's the awkward feeling I'm talking about.

I've been thinking lately maybe the reason we become what we are is because of our predictability when it comes to opportunities for awkward moments. We naturally turn them down without much thought.

So for the coming near future, I'm going to try to get out of my safe zone and do the things I don't usually do, some things which I consider doing but never done because of past-reasons. Yeah.

For a start, like wearing shades in the night among a bunch of strangers yesterday. And sitting by the sidewalk along the school gardens to study in the afternoon.

And now, ignoring a girl I like.

Girl Issue

2011-06-04T05:48:00.002+08:00

There's this one girl I like and the more I think of her, the more I tell myself I should not think of her. I woke up today telling myself FU and challenged myself to take up the 7-Day-No-Contacting-Her challenge. So far still so good.

From past lessons I know what I am. I only like her now because I don't know what is she about. From past observation I've long concluded an ending for this kind of craze: that when I know her, I will lose interest in her and she will be just another stupid girl.

Somehow for some reason we guys are made by nature to like girls, yet it's no surprise since time ever existed, girls are always the cause for trouble among guys. If only it was that simple.

I've decided to play it slow. I'll do nothing and just go with the flow. Where will it bring me?

It's 5.30 am and I don't Know Why I'm Not Asleep

2011-06-04T05:40:00.003+08:00

I'm here and I don't know how I came here or why am I here.

I'm always confused with my own existence and sometimes in trying to figure out a solution for part of a problem, I just make the problem bigger. Like now.

I've got such a complicated mind, my whole life is spent trying to be normal.

If I could project it out for the world to see crystal clearly, a great majority will be freaked out and run away. That's what it really is.

My written English, my language, my choice of words and it's degree of articulation, aiding in me trying to speak out my mind, my thoughts and the great complexity of it all is not even the surface fo the iceberg.

I'm going to bed now.

Like Gandhi once quoted saying, Each night when I go to sleep, I die. Each next morning when I wake up, I am born again.

System reboot.

2011-06-02T18:36:00.001+08:00

Haven't been updating lately, and won't be updating lately because my hand is not okay. So much for typing.

Never At The Right Age

2011-05-24T23:06:00.001+08:00

It speaks volume that most of my close female friends which I feel sincere about and comfortable around are those my seniors?

Maybe I'm mentally ahead of my own biological time, or maybe I condescend those my junior and never take them seriously to even notice them? I feel so screwed up.

Life is such a mystery.

Learning vs Education: Where One Stops, The Other Is Not The End

2011-05-23T23:46:00.002+08:00

This semester I'm taking a subject called Economics. Despite my many years of formal and self learning, Economics is one subject I've shallow knowledge about with respect to the concurrent level of world/general knowledge. Though common sense dictates it's easier to understand than my normal engineering stuff, I never really had formal education on Economics having been a science stream student my whole life, with a dose of Accountancy. Until now.

It is not unfathomable and not a surprise for me to see my desire for knowledge on this topic grow with each passing day as the more of what little I know from class, the more I know I don't know from materials and exposure outside class. With the emergence of Internet technology opening up gateways for unlimited information, it's all just a Google+Wiki search away.

As fellow uni mates would also know, this semester is different from the ordinary because it's short. Subjects allowed to be taken are reduced by half because each subject needs twice as much time per week since the short sem is half the duration of a long sem but the syllabus still need to be fully covered in time. For some reason my lecturer is not able to cover the whole syllabus and it's really a huge miss for those who actually genuinely care about learning, not just grades.

Sometimes I don't know if I blame the lecturers incompetence for teaching too slowly to my liking, or maybe it's just a right person caught up in a wrong situation. Maybe the class population in general needs a slower pace or maybe nobody really gives a shit about economics, but fact remains he won't be able to cover it all up this semester. Such a waste. Grades aside, there is something fundamentally wrong about this whole reality. Weren't we told since young we come to school to learn?

I've been pondering about this issue subconsciously, on and off for many weeks now and I think I've finally decided what to do.

Next semester, should circumstances permit, I would arrange with the situation to allow myself rejoin next semester's Economics class. More specifically, for those particular chapters he couldn't cover this semester. It's not the first time trying this, it's been positive really as a teacher can not really turn away eager to learn students outside formality.

I'll be looking forward to next semester to tie up this semesters loose ends. The unfinished business of lifelong learning at KLIUC.

Where Does Our Difference Start?

2011-05-23T02:31:00.005+08:00

I have a situation that is worth my attention.

Introduction
Borneo is vast island which is divided and shared by three countries: Malaysia, Brunei and Indonesia. From a purely Malaysia point of view, it represents the East side of the country. The population there consist of various native ethnics and many born East Malaysians have move abroad in search for better opportunities.

The Situation
Ever since coming to KLIUC, I've befriend many East Malaysians because to be honest, East Malaysia is somewhere I've never been and have little knowledge about. I find it interesting to know them and perhaps have a better idea of what's it like there.

Recently the East Malaysians had formed a new guild to unite themselves while away from home. I personally saw this as an opportunity to learning one step further.

The Issue
On Facebook they've followed up the meeting with the creation of an online group. When I requested in, I got told it's only open to East Malaysians. A closed group it is.

My Perspective.
If anything, this is plain discrimination. To let outsiders in a place they don't belong may be odd and a little awkward, but to keep outsiders out is just discriminating.

A few points worth noting:
1. The only thing everyone in have in common is their place of birth, and that is something I have no control over. To disallow an genuine interest a opportunity to be interested because of my background is the same as saying Black people is bad. They never had a chance to choose their colour too but they're still discriminated.

2. Even more odd, the East Malaysians coming to West Malaysia, forming a group and totally closing out the West Malaysians? You see? We are all Malaysians. Be it East or West, even so there is no difference unless we want one. Usually nobody gives a shit about nobody, but when somebody gives a shit about something, they don't want him?

3. Similarly by closing themselves out and building a impenetrable barrier around their bond, it's highlights the differences in a country promoting Unity. In that sense, other people from states too should start making their own bond. The West Malaysians would soon start their own guild and keep certain stuff far and away from the East Malaysians simply because they are from the east.

4. Seriously, in such modern times where globalization is us why are we still practicing segregation even among fellow countrymates? What happen to goodbye racism? It is just a different version of discrimination on the same level.

5. If anything, they should be honoured that I even want to know about their going ons and be proud to have found their first fan outside homeland. It's always easier to not give a shit than give a shit.

6. Or maybe the thinkers behind them are just morons and they can do with a person like me to guide them through their dark times.

All in all I won't die if I don't join the group but sometimes a simple action goes a long, long way at telling a principle. In the name of 1Malaysia, this is a step back.

Sentimental Shadow of Mine

2011-05-22T15:38:00.008+08:00

I'm the kind of person who speaks practicality. When it comes to materialism, I'm always at the minimum. Things which I don't use though I can use/know how to make use of often always goes into the trash can after 0.01 second of contemplation.

It's so probably because having stayed alone since 17 and move house countless times, I've prefer to be detached to goods and stuff. In short, I only keep what I need. Which in general means very, very little indeed.

There is however one category of things though I don't use at all for practical reasons anymore, I still keep very well. All under the name of Sentimentality.

I wanted some certain something I've mentioned I would from the previous blog post, and in trying to find it I had to clean up my (this semester special! only) messy room. In doing so while having my mind half thinking about another story for the blog, I've noticed something I've never really took notice of before.

That I actually have a huge and wide collection things I define sentimental.

Jordan's Dictionary Sen-ti-men-tal (Stuff) noun: Anything with a worthwhile story behind it from our past. We keep because it keeps us sane and happy in the future. When the day comes we realise the time's lost but can take consolation in knowing the lost memories is actually imbued in physical memorabilia.Yeah. Happy.

Most of the time these are things money cannot buy(presents/gift/participation items) or in certain circumstances, things I bought myself to remember a certain period of my life when there's something important worth remembering( ie expedition/promotion or special someone)

Of course I knew about the collection of individual stuff, but like a true engineer once sufficient entities exist, we start to draw pattern from it and find common ground linking them. I didn't realise my collection of sentiments extends beyond what I thought they were.

I really like this new discover and I'm gonna post it on the blog to keep it, share it and immortalize it should there be no tomorrow.

This is a postcard gift from Lina, my classmate and close friend from Singapore. The content of it remains private.

Scarf and tag from ZoukOut 2010, December, Singapore's Sentosa. Attached to it is a miniature Tower of Paris from I-Vy, another close friend from Singapore too. Also attached to it is a bear from Mimi, KLIUC.

Then there's the time encapsulement memorabilia

These are my vital components and identities when I was in Singapore.

Clock wise from top: EZY link travel card, SEMBAWANG Site Project access card and Ministry of Manpower Site Safety card while working with my construction company, tcc member card, Baden Bar and Pub workplace and in the center, Singapore Polytechnic matric card.

Participation medal from SP's Biathlon in 2008. Special event because I'm not the kind of person who do competition yet I tried it. According to the medal, it's 14 laps of swimming followed by a 3.2km run. I had to be rescued of the swimming pool midway for severe cramp yet somehow still finished the whole damn thing. hahaha

Madonna's Confession on a Dancefloor album. There was a time when I would actively participate in those radio weekend lucky smser CD giveaway game and I had a collection of CDs from it. When moving made them bulky and impractical, this was my choice for the top of the lot.

Something to hang around the neck from Shihanoukville, Cambodia while on a 2 week long expedition with strangers in the name of teaching english to the unfortunate at Don Bosco School

Among some stuff I still keep from my first real girlfriend.

This is a badge I've earned from my secondary school scouting days. Back then I was such a different person from who I am today and always curse Scouts but looking back, it was my first stepping stone in achieving what I've become today. Scouts for us was a very strict regime where we would get punished week yet the bond between us always kept us coming back.

The badge represent Assistant Senior Patrol Leader, my highest rank in my 5 years commitment, the third in command of the whole troop. I've always believed that promotion is premature but this is one of the rare occasion where instead of People make Position, it's Position which made them People.

EUFA Campion's League Tour at Sunway Pyramid and I got my hands to it, 2011.

Fort Minor concert passes for 2 in 2002. My biggest winning from the radio station guys. Might not mean much now but back then in secondary 2, it was another fish way out of my league that I've got my hands on, too

This is a Christmas present from Sharon in 2007. The beautiful box kickstarted my mini vault of souvenirs idea which content includes many other personal things I didn't include on this blog entry.

I've never thought reading was my middle name until the growing numbers of personal books suggest reconsideration. Many of which I didn't finish reading, some of which doesn't even belong to me but I take pride in keep them all very well because it means something to me.

3 event tags from 3 events I've participated, each with a story of it's own. Long may the list continue.

A calender which I've modified into becoming something else. Inspiration notes from another calender pinned together with a photo of me, my brother and mum dating back to somewhere around 2006. That's one of only two pictures I bring around everywhere I go ever since moving out of my house, the other faded into timelessness when we broke up.

And lastly for today, I've made progress again by coming up with a new thing.

This is my new souvenir box. An ordinary shoe box but with anything other than ordinary stuff in it.

My Second School Event And The Lesson Learned for Life

2011-05-19T18:17:00.005+08:00

Long Post

Today was another eye opener of a day again. One that comes 2-3 times every semester but are key in defining what we've did the whole semester doing.

From contacts, I've ended up being a crew of a school event again. It a career fair organized by the school and they called in outside companies to promote their vacancies and that sort. Although it isn't as grand as the first and also less crowd, the experience of working with new people, new environment for a new purpose is really fun.

A few thoughts to note come end of day 1 of 2.

1. Meet new people. Some new but many just newer depth from older existing people. People we see and judge but don't say hi.

2. Network and contacts are actually very important. Even though I did not expect to end up doing this initially when I went around being mr.friendly, I really like where I am now. Sometimes I wonder if fate have ways of making things go my way even without any worries.

A friend asked how I always end up being part of something he doesn't even know about until it happens. I told him " In school, we've got a network of people. A few of these people at the top will take up events and they will contact their few contacts, and their contacts will contact a few more contacts. It's not just any random people, it's trusted people. It's networking.

It's all about having an a decent network, good relationships and lady luck.

3. Usually for a first time experience, we can write it off as a one off. But when we do it a second time, we start to draw lines between the similarities. And further, track back the root of causes which lead to it. In this sense, I came to concluded No.2, among others.

4. Early today morning as I was waking up and going to the venue with no idea whats in for me, I was cursing myself about how I end up doing all this Charity Work. Later in the morning too I was contemplating running away and disappearing because it's fuckin boring. But no, I told myself life isn't always easy and suck it up, and go and find something to occupy your mind with.

So the I was, thinking to myself " in a totally white background( metaphor for absolute nothingness) I am giving myself 3 targets to achieve. Like a game, this are my main quest to accomplish. I can't remember whats it now but it doesn't matter because it's part of forming the eventual.

Eventually an hour later I got really comfortable with my own existence and knew it was all going to be a good day. Another one of those rare days that defin.... you know.

5. They say the worse misses in life are those we don't even know we are missing. That's true I believe and because so, I'm always digging for the unknown in new territories. Today, that's about the prospect of finding a job one day, and also about the job world in general.

This also reinforce my own promise to myself that I will never be a working mice. I would be a learning mice. Work is just an opportunity to learn and when learning is done, I'm off. No matter how many times I'm gonna jump ship and no matter how bad it sounds, nothings gonna stop me till I found my purpose.

6. Speaking of purpose. Everyone live in their comfortable life filled with their so called problems but they don't realise, the real problems are those they don't even realise exist. My purpose is also to solve that.

7. Power. In our world today, what is the meaning of power? We know power is the agreed upon level of authority given to a person. Power also is something we get even if we don't want it because it match our worth. But what is the real meaning of power? To me, I've nothing to prove and power simply means bigger trust = bigger responsibility = bigger stakes.

For that reason, maybe it's no wonder why for two events in a row I'm always playing the supporting cast role. Smaller of smaller people, those barely inside the hierarchy. Just enough to Wow! people by saying I'm in the board and attend meetings and have says but far away from any blame in the case of a mess up.

Power is a curse to me. At lease in this school where learning and having eye-openers rank higher than being the top figure of the lot.

8. Really. I like it down here. I'm so light and easy and virtually no stress, yet have full access to whole event, meetings and plannings of it. What other better way to see around than this? Yes, I'm a runner.

9. Back to power. In todays world people are judge so easily like Lego pieces based on ranks. President is good. VP is second good. Organizing chairperson is equally as good. VOC is second equally as good. Head of Security, Head of Publicity, Head of Performance, also 3rd good. Assistant of technical support? not very good.

But heck, the truth is our perception of our rank is based heavily on the pride we put in doing the work we agree to do. Being Asst. of Tech Support is as good as anything because although it sound lame, that is my license for total roaming. With. No. Restriction.

A person's title is just a simple suggestion of his worth. May be, may not be true. But a person's worth does not need to be explained by his title. If by playing it low is the best way of doing things, then it is. But do know, cometh the hour cometh the man.

10. 90% of the board are new faces to me. Eventhough we don't work together much now and hardly talk, come the next event, this even would prove to be a huge stepping stone at networking. As it always do.

Conclusion. Based on the points above, when there is a third event I can be quite sure what to anticipate. For real. And why I do things I do, if anyone ask.

Sometimes It Goes Deeper Than What Meets The Eye

2011-05-18T12:26:00.002+08:00

This is the story about two person doing their work together in achieving a common group goal.

One volunteered and is appointed the leader. The other is joking around in class with the other guys.

One tries to get to group going, the other does little on the surface but is always moping up all the work and progress done by the group to make sure it is good and up to standard.

One suggest for a meeting. The other supports him, assist him, lead and organize the meeting and ensure the purpose of the meeting is wholly achieved.

One delegate the work initially. The other stops him doing so and volunteered to do some background research on the topic itself, come out with a plan to tackle the topic and "see how it goes first" meaning to take one step at a time as it comes though he'd already envisioned how's it to be.

One suggest a working chain of compiling report, while the other suggest a better alternative of that by removing some unnecessary steps hence reducing the time the work gets thrown around and less potential mix up.

One calls for a meeting on a public holiday prior to the actual presentation date. The other forces the rest of the group to come and also highlights the importance of it.

One tries to deal with a problem by a group member, the other forces the group member to solve the problem himself and don't make a problem for the group.

Finally today we are all gonna present for the class presentation. It's been a good fun working with my group. I've never been the kind who chooses my friends as members in most cases because I enjoy working with new people and deal with whatever problem they may bring.

Somehow for me my leadership roots goes all the way back in secondary school when we were Scouts. Today, I'd like to be the Other Guys and watch from behind the limelight. It's a good taking a break from being the leader all the time, but what's evident is leadership and leader are two different things altogether.

My Dreams Are How My Conscious Be Heard

2011-05-15T18:31:00.005+08:00

Today while sleeping I saw myself lying with my back on the soft sands of a beach, looking at the flat horizon as the light sun doesn't hurt me. Feeling so carefree and so contented with life, feeling that time can wait for this for as long as I want. And I need not explain anything to anyone but just sit back and enjoy life as it is.

Perhaps I've been running a marathon so far in this life I've forgotten how to stop. Even when I stop, I believe it's just temporary and I'm preparing to run again. I long to stop.

Like all of my dreams, it is no coincidence. I think the factor leading up to that dream are these:

1. I'm starting to feel tired after so long and so much school work.
2. Staying in campus with no distractions/entertainment other than studying is not really good either.
3. My head is in a mess. Everything is everywhere. I need stability, a solid foundation.
4. Mirja had went backpacking for 5 months to find peace and meaning in life, something I wouldn't even consider doing.
5. Phyo showed me the beautiful beaches of Myanmar and it's clear waters I've probably forgotten even exist.
6. And lastly I'm sick of being sick with fever the whole week.

No matter what I tell myself to make myself believe is true (eventhough is not yet), my inner self just doesn't get carried away with what's fiction and what's not.

My Value of Friends

2011-05-15T02:28:00.002+08:00

has seen new heights today.

Mirja, let's keep in touch though the Internet okay? I really want to believe this is not the last I see of you :)

Flirting. Is Just Human Nature

2011-05-12T00:22:00.002+08:00

Flirting is an art. If she flirt with you, flirt back. But don't dwell over it.

I didn't know the gravity of it when I wrote it out to a friend asking over a girl, but then I realised. I've got this flirting game covered pretty well already by now. I've seen it before enough to know it all too well.

Post Myanmar Thoughts

2011-05-11T10:26:00.003+08:00

I went to Myanmar over the weekends and had quite a break from my routine to enjoy life yeah. Went to the city by plane, check. Visited the interesting places, tried their food and bought shirts and souvenirs, check. All that boring same old stuff.

While there I had contacted my friend's mum who lives there and had the opportunity to visit their house. That includes the whole compound, the 13 dogs, the many housekeepers and know the 3 families living there. Stayed with them and lived as them albeit for just 3 hours but it was really a new experience to see how other culture are different from the ones I know. That is the real highlight for me during the entire trip.

I also got to know one of their daughter and as the stranger she is, not surprisingly I think she's interesting. Simply because like I've mentioned she's new to me and having no facts makes the person even more mysterious and exciting. This also reinforce my theory about myself that I get bored of normality very, very fast. A life without a chance of randomness is just too plain to really live. In this case, she is the mysterious spark that ignites my engine of excitement.

I also am captivated by my friend's mum. She really helped us a lot and provided beyond great hospitality while in Myanmar. She picked us from the airport, got us a hotel for the first night, accompanied us around for like 95% of the time we spent venturing outside of the hotel. She bargained for us, she communicated for us. My family was the body where she was the voice. She really is the difference between going there, being lost and getting conned full time and a wonderful trip. She is the catalyst that covered all the failed planning on papers and made gold out of otherwise shit. Without her it would all be so different.

That's about all that's really worth saying beyond the normal see stop and shop routine foreign visitors do.

And yeah, in Myanmar there are Pagodas like everywhere. Literally.

All in all it was a good eye opener experience and a lesson to learn about life. Over and out. I might post some pictures later on when I get hold of them.

Jordan and The Sister Called

2011-05-06T01:41:00.005+08:00

I was on Facebook chatting with my Burmese friend in Singapore about organizing my family's trip to stay at her uncle's hotel at Yangon, Myanmar upon our arrival tomorrow. It was like at the climax of a good war book where every moment seem heave and last forever yet so important all the same.

She was giving me her sister's Myanmar number, her mum's number while on the phone with the guys at Myanmar to confirm our hotel room booking.

Then I got a phone call. No number displayed. Must be one of them calling from their hotel.

Hi.

Hi.

Who's this?

Me la. (sister's voice)

Oh you ah.

Do you have the time to talk?

And she continue to talk about something very serious. Her future. Calls like this rarely happens but when it does, rarely are they any other option but to see it though. A call I can't decline. A call with no escape routes.

Yes I got the time to talk, sure tell me whats up.

Sister: blablabla (continues in a very serious tone)

Jordan thinks to himself: This one is gonna take forever..

All while I was chatting with my other friend on facebook at some very important issues.

So what were to eventually be will eventually be and had eventually become. I wouldn't say I didn't see this coming. But even I didn't see it coming, this one.

Did I tell you I am good at Single Tasking and only good at Single Tasking? This is Multi Tasking. no, no no..

The moment my thought said that, I laughed at myself doing this crazy Guys-Are-Not-Made-To-Do-This-Multitasking-Thing while typing. The laugh lasted for 0.00001 seconds (SERIOUS) but for some odd reason my sister somehow picked that up.

"Eh, you laughing is it?"

She thinks I'm laughing at her plan of going to work at the logistic company with her friend. I generally think it's good to but right now, I'm not actually thinking. I can't think when I'm multitasking. She thinks I'm insulting her.

You laughing is it? I heard it in my mind again. Respond quick to cover up the lie!

"Oh no I'm not hehhhhHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!!!!!"

"Ops." (sh!t)

(moment of silence..)

lol.

I'm always very confident I can set my mind and talk my way though of slippery situations but this time I'm totally caught red handed. Lol

Of course she didn't catch the super funnyness of the situation but it's okay. She went on and on. Very serious indeed.

Girls Are Still Just Numbers

2011-05-04T18:50:00.003+08:00

Why do guys have that deepdown desire/weakness for attractive girls? Doesn't necessarily mean it's a bad thing if a guy is interested in a girl, but when it becomes an unbreakable habit, to me it's always a weak link in a human's character.

Every day I see more attractive girls around me and I play mind games with myself about the what ifs. It's as if it's already an addiction to a drug. When she walks, our eyes and and mind see. Why did mother nature made us human this way? Don't tell me about the ancient mammal mating explanation. It's just unfair it's something I'm spending so much time occupied about when I can be doing better things.

Maybe it's just simply because there's few girls and lots of guys in my school, it's natural for their stock to rise above their true value. Maybe I'm just lonely.

Today I've decided I want to try treating humans not like individual special presents, but ordinary mundane numbers. Everyone is a string of numbers, different from one another because of their content but ultimately they are all still just numbers.

Exactly like that. Idea adapted from the Matrix

About Digging Down Memory Lane for the Highlights of Life

2011-05-03T19:00:00.009+08:00

I saw this question posted on Facebook today. It's a list of simple to do things yet we normally don't do it naturally unless we've hit some certain heights at some stuff (ie relationships/partying/traveling and adventures) or just a little plain crazy and different from the lot. Which I always think is what I am.

It did it as honest as I can and the results I think are worth saving in this timeless memories vault.

Have you done this?

1. Played in the rain. (yes)
I play in the rain all the time while growing up. Even now I still think it's perfectly probable.

Fishing at 12am when the skies decided to thunder and rain

2. Said I Love You and actually meant it. (yes)
To my first girlfriend. I do hope that isn't the last of it.

3. Taken a road trip. (yes)
I'm the kind of person who do this sort of crazy stuff simply because of the prospects of it's unpredictability.

At some mountain at godknowswhere on the way from somewhere to somewhere

4. Met friends from online which later grown to become close friends. (yes)
Many of them.

5. Rode a roller coaster. (yes)
When we were younger, we always went to the amusement part for amusement. If that's what its for.

6. Screamed as loudly as I can. (yes)
As a lucky caller through a radio call in contest, I won myself 4 tickets to some concert. I had to scream as loud as I can over the phone and I did that. At a busy street on some busy afternoon with no concern of what the rest think hahaha. Come to think about it, I can't really scream ffs.

7. Made a complete and utter fool of myself. (yes)
This one needs no reminiscing but I am very confident I did that many many times in this life. I think it also comes naturally hahaha

8. Actually felt happy for my life, even just for a while. (yes)
Almost all the time, as if by default.

The latest must have got to be with the dutch girl.

9. Performed on stage. (yes)
Not the kind who hides from my fears. More often than not, this eventually relate back to #7..

10. Taken a sick day off when I'm not sick. (yes)
One of the more notable incidents is when I had a negative emotional relationship breakdown with a colleague of mine and in the end we both didn't feel well to go to work. Or so we said to them atlease.

11. Danced like a fool with no regards who's looking. (yes)
Some part of me wish everyone in the world is like that then I wouldn't be the odd one out. Dancing is after all a expression of joy.

12. Hugged a tree. (no)
What can make me hug a tree? I still can't see how would I end up hugging a tree. Other than if my love insist as part of a romantic act.

13. Changed someone's mind about something I deeply care about. (yes)
To me nothing is impossible, impossible is only a limitation we tell ourselves is true when we don't want it that badly enough. Many times in my life when I've found something I really want(or someone), I will go to amazing distance to get it. Even if it means changing a persons mind who's directly blocking my way to it. Case of note: my sister. We argue all the time.

14. Stayed up all night and watch the sun rise. (yes)
Two good memories for this one. First: Went with some friends to hike a hill at night, then got stuck on the top as we couldn't come down because of a combination of fatigue/limited visibility/dangerous path and rain. End up watching the sun rise while running down the next morning.

On the way up

Second: A night out with a girl at 9pm went so smoothly till before we knew it, the sun had rose from behind the trees next to our playground. She went on to be my first.

15. Accept myself for who I am. (yes)
Everyday I tell myself when I'm feeling down, I should stop feeling down because there's nothing to be sad about this life about. Every shortcoming I am, there are many more much worse than I am. It took a while but I think I've finally accepted myself for who I am, most of the time.

16. Learn rollerblading. (no)
I am still waiting for that to happen. My eyes have been open for that for a good time now.

17. Love someone I shouldn't. (yes)
I call it forbidden love. If only the heart would have a logical brain of it's own, things wouldn't be so messy..but then again we wouldn't have a heart then. So I guess forbidden love is normal.

This summer I told myself to not fall in love with Mirja the dutch girl. I didn't, but it was realllllllllllllllly tough to stay sane so long and shut out our heart to reality.

18. Dancing in the pouring rain. (tbh, not really)
A mental note to myself- that's another thing to do.

19. Learn not to say Yes when you really mean No. (yes)
This statement took some time to digest. I guess it's normal for people to feel the pressure of opposing against a common flow, but I've learned and overcome that too.

20. Broken someone's heart. (yes)
I'm not proud saying this, but I'm also not shy admitting this. What goes around comes back around. Or if not, then to someone else.

21. Communicated with someone who doesn't share a common language. (yes)
How is that even possible? you might think. Well after recalling, I just did that very recently. I was IM-ing a china girl which we have nothing in common (not even our language) but I thought she was cute.

It went something like this:

Jordan :)

Girl :D

Jordan ;)

Girl :p

and on and on for a long more. I didn't know there are so many emoticons out there. Crazy stuff indeed.

22. Taken an ice cold bath. (yes)
If literally, I didn't because I haven't seen a pool filled with icy water for me to jump in.

But thinking back, during my secondary school days I would wake up at 5.30am in the morning and bathe in my hot-shower-less house. The water is so cold, but we just gotta do what we gotta do. I did bathe of course. I also did scream out songs as loudly as I can as part of the shower. My brother often wake up after me because of that. That's the kind of stuff we people do at home.

Jordan immersed in cold water: becausetheMUSICCCCC TOOOOOOOOOO

Jordan immersed in cold water: andthen it'screeping INNNNSIDDDDEEEEE YOUUUUU

Jordan still in cold water: YOUUU TOO YOUR SCREAMSSS A WHISPERRRRRRRR HANG ON TO

Jordan still going: TWISTED TRANSISTORRRRRR

Leonard the brother comes and bang on the shower door: OOOOOOOOIIIIIIIIIII SHUT UP

Jordan still cold: MAKE ME

repeated daily.

23. Kissed in the rain. (yes)
If just barely. One day I'll write another beautiful memory by kissing someone I am really truly madly deeply in love with under the rain. Like a flower blossoming forever and forever ever with no end.

24. Broken a bone. (yes)
Did I say I'm the kind who do things because it's unusual, crazy and seem fun? One of it is jumping around in happiness for no reason, tried to do some crazy kung-fu action I've seen in the tv and failed. And the next time I knew it's 3 months in a plaster casing. Well atlease the other guys can autograph on my hand.

25. Midnight walk on the beach. (yes)
Done it so many times because I particularly love the beach and also night time. Combined, they are twice as awesome. I haven't actually done it with love yet to someone who really deserve it as a "us".

Edit: I have actually walked on a beach with a new girl I've just met hours earlier in the evening a few years ago. Things was so beautiful, as beautiful as her and the memory of her but she to be wasn't the one the moment the sun rose and the night ended. It was just one of those romantic one-night love story, including walking together and sitting on the beach counting ships and stars at night.

26. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt. (yes)
Family. Siblings.

After so long I eventually came to realise that until we face it, the ghost of our past will always haunt our future and slowly kill us.

27. Spoken more than one language fluently. (yes)
I think when mixing with different types of people, we have the option to choose the language we want to use to interact with them. English as it is all my life, Malay too during my secondary school years, and Chinese during a period of my life staying alone and working in Singapore and all my friends and people I see everyday are only chinese speakers. What can we seriously not do? If we try long enough, even the impossible seem to be possible.

28. Been heartbroken longer than when I was in love. (yes)
Fiona.

29. Taken a martial art class. (yes)
Or rather, been forced to take a martial art class. Which I generally suck at because my heart and mind was never at it. My father should have just gone and do it himself and not wasted my years on that. Lesson learned from that: Never let others choose what they want if it's at your expense.

30. Farted in a crowded place. (yes)
Hahaha this is really a crazy question but I admit I did that just the past weekend at my family gathering. I thought to myself, it would be really interesting to see how they react when subjected to this experiment.. lol. They didn't react. Correction: Their reaction is no reaction. It's called act-dunno.

31. Got flowers for no reason. (no)
Is not the same as got flowers for an unknown reason from an unknown person. Neither for both but I think the second case seems 1000x more exciting.

32. Got so drunk till I can't remember anything. (no)
I guess somewhere deep in me one of my core principles in life is to never let myself be dictated by the situation even under any situation. Hence so.

33. Learn to speak a foreign language and use it. (yes)
Ich spreachen kein Deutsch. Although I've stop using it for so long now and I'm nearly back to step 0. Damn. But when the time comes again, I will rise again at that.

34. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken. (maybe)
Somehow from all my previous experiences with love, 99% of the time it seems true love only ends with heart ache. The more we give, the greater we fall. Sure, I haven't found miss right yet. I'm still finding. Where are you?

35. Survived an accident I shouldn't have. (no)
To be wanting a Yes is asking for too much, ain't it? I have not survived an accident I shouldn't have( thanks god) but I have avoided many accidents I could have easily had and ended badly.

One of it was when as scouts in secondary school while building a 2 story structure from wood and lashings, one of the main members suddenly broke and the whole thing came collapsing down. Things like this don't happen but when it did, I'm glad I reacted in the way I did. I back off just before it crashed the grass I was on.

Another was when in Singapore, I was crossing a road. A big lorry was turning and usually I would time my walk so accurately so I would be halfway across the road when the lorry passed and be across the road faster. However just for that one night I thought I'd a bad feeling and decided to wait. There happen to be a fast speeding motorcycle behind the lorry trying to do the same thing as me too and I knew with great confidence, had I been walking at the normal speed, I would be exactly where the motorcycle would hit me and that means only one thing. Something nasty.

36. Had a one night stand. (no)
But somehow I might

37. Changed my name. (yes)
I read a book called Jennifer Government and I really like the setting of the story.

The person is called Jennifer, while Government is the name of her company/workplace. I called myself Jordan KLIUC because I am studying at KLIUC. People think I'm crazy. yeah.

38. Asked someone I've just met to go on a date. (yes)
I like doing that because I think the less we know about someone, the more possibilities of them being what we want them to be and the more perfect the person can be. So yes. I like to date people I like but I don't know much about besides common chemistry.

39. Killed an animal and prepared it for eating. (yes)
Fishes many, chicken half.

40. Had 2 or more healthy relationships lasting min 1 year each. (no)
I'm still waiting for my no. 2, safe to say she knows she'll be treated twice as good as my number one now that I'm more experienced at this.

41. Made love on the floor. (?)
Haha. You decide and tell me

Family Issues.

2011-04-29T02:38:00.002+08:00

My parents are an example of what you get by matching an insensitive person with a super sensitive person. They say marriage is all about communication and understanding. Theirs is a marriage very lacking in both of that, but held together for a common goal. The kids.

It sounds very bad here in black and white. In reality it doesn't look as bad because we've all learn to cover, hide and ignore it. That however does not erase the fact that it is what it is.

This weekend my maternal grandmum will be having her birthday party and my mom and all her siblings are looking forward to a reunion party at their childhood village. We're all gonna have a gathering at a chalet village. My dad is what I've mentioned above. Cover, hide and ignore it, and forget it for now. Hate can wait. It's always been like that.

It's a lesson to all those who know it, of what to avoid letting our future marriage become. My sister, my brother, me and you.

For now I'm looking forward to meeting my cousins and relatives. Even as kids we've came a long way to building up ties with our own cousins, ties that were once so shitty because of our internal family problems. And good food and fishing too. It doesn't solve the problem but it doesn't me I can't enjoy it.

Sometimes, Ignorance is Bliss too you see.

Reconnecting With A Teacher is the First Step in Accepting Our Past

2011-04-28T01:19:00.004+08:00

I added my class teacher when I was in secondary 1 on Facebook. That year was 2001. A perfect decade ago. I remember her name because she's one of the few very important people you'll remember from your long education history.

She was surprised. Really surprised. Guess what? Me too. It's real. I've actually bridged the traditional-existing boundary between student and teacher.

Last night while trying to sleep I was thinking and I remembered her. I thought about that once upon a time when things were so different. She was there. She cared. Ten years down the road as impossible is becoming possible, I could reconnect with her if want. I knew I wanted to know about her too. If she's doing okay, if she's not. I care too.

I check it up on Facebook and actually found her. I sent an Add Friend request with a simple Hi Remember Me text with it.

Came back in the evening and she open new doors for good.

I dislike explaining myself but if anyone were to ask, I'll say this:

As I move forward in my life, I've come to a point where the technology from reality made it possible to connect with anybody. At present one of my current needs is to reconnect with a person who help guide me to here today. The present calls for me to reconnect with the past, and so it is.

Maybe by reconnecting with the past, I'll understand the transition period I've been in the past decade and perhaps, I'll understand myself better and be better equipped to face the future.

In short, to move forward we have to understand the past and that's our work now in the present.

Oh besides, she's all fine and good as ever. That's all a teacher hear from a returning student. And that's all an ex student needs to always know about their teacher.

We Go To School To Learn. More Importantly, We Go To School To Learn to Learn.

2011-04-28T01:03:00.006+08:00

Talking and writing are two different things altogether.

Once upon a time I realised I walk talking very smoothly but I can't write proper shit. Another once upon a time I realised I was writing so smoothly and naturally but when I speak, it's not fluent nor smooth.

Yeah it's true.

Anyway the point of this entry is not about that.

I also realised (besides the two mentioned above) that since some time ago and more so recently, I've been speaking with excripts of songs. Powerful, meaningful or catchy lines from song. I must have subconsciously told myself to copy-store it in my memory like how all students do with their boring studies and exams.

It's amazing. It comes so naturally without noticing it.

If anything, I consider this one of the ultimate success of going to school to learn how to learn: the measurement of the degree of success is based on the implementation of the concept and that is this.

Once we get the concept right, the idea of how to learn how to learn, that ability is implemented and integrated into our life and the subject of this winning "formulas" is beyond textbook information from school.

This is what we go to school for. To learn and polish our ability to learn.

For now, my next line I want to try to use in everyday casual conversation is this: "I'm Standing Outside of Heaven Waiting for God to Come and Get Me". When I find the right situation. Ha. Exciting prospect ha.

Arguing with my sister.. online.

2011-04-26T02:04:00.002+08:00

This is really funny.

who is rika

Report · 1:18am

Erika your cous

remember me?

Report · 1:19am

oh okay

why is her name rika chu

not tan

Report · 1:23am

err.. good question

she is creative person like you

jordan kliuc

Report · 1:24am

how do you know about her?

she added you?

Report · 1:25am

ah pek and family came to SG this week

Report · 1:26am

so you got their contacts?

Report · 1:37am

why cant you reply me on facebook

dont you have any online etiquette

Report · 1:39am

you are offline dud3e!!!

Report · 1:39am

im back online

its just off and on

Report · 1:39am

oh!

Report · 1:39am

you take forever to reply

zzz

online etiquette

Report · 1:42am

okay i just found the on off button

Report · 1:42am

im going off

bye

i know its just an excuse saying im offline

because i can chat with other people without problem

Report · 1:43am

okay now i know..

gladys said hi

today is her first time giving tuition

haha

Report · 1:44am

dont change topic yet

i know you'd probably ignore whatever i say like always but dont

because if you dont want to listen, then i shouldnt have told you

Report · 1:45am

told me what?

explain

pls

Report · 1:46am

that dont take forever to reply me on facebook

if you are busy, say you are busy

rather than keep me waiting 1 minute for 1 sentence

Report · 1:46am

I am multitasking

Report · 1:46am

i KNOW

I AM NOT

Report · 1:46am

so many tabs

coll

Report · 1:46am

WHY SHOULD I WAIT FOR YOU TO DO YOUR TASKS

then say you are busy

or make time to talk properly. then excuse yourself.

Report · 1:47am

fb isnt everything

it's not my world

Report · 1:48am

you're always saying that

last time i call your phone also you had the same problem

there is no urgency to call back

Report · 1:48am

when in singapr9oe?

Report · 1:49am

its etiquette. its not only your world, not important to you so you can treat those like that

yes

Report · 1:49am

good memory dude

Report · 1:49am

im just saying have the decency to have etiquette

people have feelings too

its not all just in your mind

Report · 1:50am

chill la

whot happened today?

Report · 1:50am

you say as if im the problem

im not, im just making a problem for you so you understand the real problem

Report · 1:51am

which is?

me?

Report · 1:51am

yes

Report · 1:51am

okay

Report · 1:51am

you are not caring for other peoples feeling enough

empathy

Report · 1:52am

Report · 1:53am

go ask around

about empathy

Report · 1:55am

where is your phone?

Report · 1:55am

next to me why

you called?

why you called?

dont want to talk

Report · 1:57am

cause I am concerned and I love

Report · 1:57am

yes i know i am concern too thats why im telling you your shortcomings

Report · 1:57am

that is not the issue isn't it. what is?

Report · 1:58am

that is the issue

that is the only issue

there is no other issue

Report · 1:58am

than why won't you pick up call

Report · 1:58am

i have no problem with me

i just dont want to talk over the phone

why cant i dont talk over the phone?

Report · 1:59am

it more presonable

Report · 1:59am

what?

Report · 1:59am

why are you online so often?

Report · 1:59am

because im always online

i stay in the school and i dont go anywhere but stay in my room online

Report · 2:00am

how can i help?

Report · 2:00am

im not asking for any help

im telling you you lack empathy thats all

Report · 2:01am

okay, no man can every save/help himself

hope you know you're loved. thanks for telling me about my lackness

Report · 2:02am

okay

think about it

The Dilemma of Every Student: Learning to Learn

2011-04-25T23:47:00.007+08:00

We go to school being expected to learn what they've got to teach, but nobody actually teach us first how to learn.

Eventually we wonder to ourselves, Where to learn How to learn?

About four years ago while in my second year doing my diploma, I had an academic breakdown. There's nothing to hide or be embarrassed about it. Back then at that particular stage of my life I realised I've been working as a student by studying for way too long without a solid core to guide me on how to actually study.

I would primarily do with what my friends did and generally perform fair. Not the top of the lot, neither am I the bottom. All of this I had actually anticipated even before coming to Singapore to continue my studies because my whole life prior to higher studies, I've been relying greatly on tuition centers to polish me up, as everyone knows the public school standards are always up to standard here.

I had thought by going to Singapore to study, I would have no education assistance whatsoever and things might get nasty. Amazingly for the first year I've manage to keep it at bay and got good grades. It here refers to the inevitable, and inevitable is what it is unfortunately.

After returning from my year end break and entering year 2, I've lost momentum and surely enough the grades dropped. I was having the worst time of my life to date then. I didn't know

How to study.

Should I read everything the school give? Possible yet impractical if we have a hectic lifestyle from many subjects. We'll probably just drop dead one day from overstudying. And besides, there's more to life than just studying right?

Should I just pay full attention in class and read it every now and then prior to the exams? Possible but yet impractical again if our daily class timetable are long and torturing. I found out by the 3rd 2-hours class of the day I would be mentally drained and can't fuckin accept anymore knowledge.

Should I just play backdoor? Study the answers of questions tipped to come out and ignore the rest? Risky. Not a good gameplan.

Should I do group studies? It's known to be really good but personally I think it's a waste of time. But, how else can I spend my time studying since I don't have a primary way of studying?

Instead of debating which of the above, I should make use of my time and study efficiently. But which is the most efficient way?

And then there's the different study method for different kind of subjects. I've realised over the years they come in a few main category.

Types of Study Method Required

1. The theories- Read read read and remember. Like Concrete Technology.

2. The thinking calculations- Put our brains on our pen and think as we try to do it. Like Maths.

3. The doing calculations- Basically it's just alot of numbers and steps to get an answer without really cracking any brain other than using plain memory. The more we do, the easier it comes naturally, they say. Like Concrete Design.

4. The thinking subjects. We use our brains to analyze and reason out an answer. Like Economics.

5. A mix of the above.

Eventually I picked myself back up and really push harder than ever before to grind out the grades lost during my year 2 endeavors in year 3, but I never really manage to pull the CGPA back up like in year 1 again. That caused me to lose out on a spot at their local uni and went back to my country to continue my studies.

The academic impact on my grades are there for all to see but the story behind it is hardly told. But I've always like to think the lesson learned from it is invaluable. Sometimes we fall once, pick ourselves back up and devise a fall proof plan which went on to become our core and fundamental guideline in this life, and better still our solid platform to jump to greatness. Like they say, failure brings us closer to success.

Roll the years and now I'm here in my room studying Economics. I have no previous education background in this and it's all new to me. I'm finding Economics very interesting, but I've found something about it more interesting: the way I'm studying.

Years later.. the evolution of studying

1. Go to class and listen 100% on what the lecturer have got to say.

2. Write whatever deemed important down on the book. Highlight it to make it nicer looking.

3. Go home and read though briefly what have been taught in class. The information might have been forgotten but the concept learned has become part of my thinking. Relearning the information would be easier.

4. Reading up in advance the chapters ahead of class.

5. Any term/concept can always be further research upon thanks to Google and the Internet. Everything is online. I was searching Monetary Policy then to Central Bank then to Fiat Money and Commodity Money. it's amazing how much we can learn nowadays if we want.

All in all this is just life's lesson of teaching us how to live and though I'm no beginner to it already, I've still a long way to go.

We all do too.

Because learning is a lifelong process. The answers to all our problems are inside us, we just need to find it with the help of questioning situations.

7 Habits of Effective People: #5: First Understand to be Understood

2011-04-25T02:42:00.003+08:00

It's 2.30 am in the morning and someone from some room nearby my window is really having a good time listening to headbanging indian music. All the sound from those marvalous speakers are going out through someones window and into mine.

Fucking unbelievable. Yes, it is worse than it sounds.

I was thinking if I had things my way I would just go and make myself be heard the guys way.

Then again I've been reading up my notes for my quiz tomorrow on a topic called Pollution.

Noise Pollution.

Def: The introduction of any unnatural and unpleasing/unwanted sound to the environment.
Effect: Temporary or permanent loss of hearing; inability to focus; psychology disturbance

Yes. I know that. I've been studying ffs.

And I remember about doing a case study while in Singapore doing my diploma, about a guy. He was apprehended by the police because in a moment of madness he went and smashed someones car who alarm had accidentally gone off 3am in the morning. It is unnatural of him but the crude awakening caused him to act so recklessly and he regretted so but what's done is done.

It shows what noise pollution can do.

So if I were to go and make myself be heard, it can't be anything violence. I should just go and say nicely to him something like Hi, Your Music Very Loud politely.

Even in times of madness, there's a guideline to follow as civilized human beings. It's hard indeed. Okay. I understand. I understand.

What If. A Glimpse into the Future

2011-04-25T00:25:00.003+08:00

I was thinking and I found something interesting.

From a third person's perspective, a narrator:

Imagine if we pause time and zoom out of our first person's perspective of our individual life, and watch us from outside ourselves in the bigger picture. We organize our paused-physical body with the understanding of our mind and write a lovely, accurate and thorough description of ourselves as like how manufacturers present their product on a brochure. As though we're trying to sell ourself to an alien or something, the same way we sell ourselves to future employers via a resume, but this time more detailed and more honest than a paper.

We write our strength, our weaknesses, our full history from day 1 till now, our personality, our likes and dislikes, our do and don't's. Everything. As if to transfer all our knowledge of ourselves into data form and if a capable entity were to clone another Jordan, they no doubt could.

Imagine if one day this becomes our present reality. Some smart person would create another mega blockbuster platform that make Facebook look even lesser than ordinary, and with it everyone gets to sell their true self to the world. People would be able to browse for friends from the list or even see what a stranger they are meeting is about. A-Z. And probably decide if the stranger if worth their effort to befriend, or not.

Privacy would be the thing of the past, because we have nothing left to hide/keep in our mind as everything is readable by technology. Everything. Our mind, our thoughts, our past and future, our emotions. We will be no different from robots.

Scary prospect isn't it?

But atlease if I were to go to Taman Negara with my friends on a fishing trip and happen to meet another dutch girl, I can check for certain our compatibility, chemistry and recommended relationship in an instance and decide on the spot. Rather than spend 7 slow days to build a trust with a person for 1 day of something.

I think as life gets easier, we are getting lazier too.

An Idle Mind Is The Workplace Of The Devil

2011-04-25T00:08:00.002+08:00

I've got the mind to think, but I don't have a thought to think of.

I should find something worthwhile to my cause to think about before I start wasting it again.

When Fish Starts Eating Fries,

2011-04-23T22:16:00.003+08:00

In my dream last night I was at the back of a factory facing the deep sea at night, a secluded and peaceful place and a fish harbor. For some reasons I've been told only big fish comes here and take shelter from the open seas. Big fish. I like.

I had my fishing rod by my side but being the same old same me, having not brought proper baits we both had to improvise and make do with what we have on us then. McDonald's french fries.

And so we went about mixing it with some water, smashing it and rolling it to tiny balls to use as bait. In the past few months I've seen weird things in real life such as the uncle using Jacob biscuits + water, soaked mashed and rolled into balls as bait and caught real big fishes under our boat.

But seriously. McDonald's french fries? It's not even proper food omfg. It's so weird till even in my dream I had the feeling that it really is weird. WEIRD.

The End.

Come to think about it, I drew a few conclusions/lessons to be learned from it.

1. My dreams are always in some way or another, weird. Maybe that's just the way my mind and my personality really and truly are- weird. That's why when I sleep I even dream of things I reckon weird by my own standards.

2. However, weird probably isn't that weird after all. Weird is a way of saying we're not used to it, yet. Weird is like saying we are seeing things new to us, and is current our way of comprehending it. Over time, when weird becomes acceptable then it's safe to say we've accepted something new.

3. When I look at the list of friends on my Facebook, there's only one(1) odd one out. A white girl from a faraway place at Europe called Holland among a collection of brown Asians and middle Easterners. Somehow that feels weird too. Odd one out. Hmm.

Maybe with time I'll come to understand the gravity of the friendship I've built with a person I've never intended to meet. When weird becomes normal, nothing have changed. Other than our own perception.

~~P/s: I gotta admit Mc'D artificial fries are actually really good for chewing.~~

An Untitled Dream

2011-04-22T13:09:00.004+08:00

I've been doing a pretty damn good job at forgetting some particular someone and going on with my own life. Somehow perhaps by the little fact that people have been mentioning her again lately plus a great dose of unfathomable mysterious connection, I saw her again last night.

In my dreams, she reentered my reality. For some reason unbeknown to me, she registered to my school and is just a stone throws away. Or less. The school seemed empty of the population, and even her presence so near me for good feels so empty already.

This is weird.

In the dream, it was as if it was the right person coming back but from a different dimension. A different time and place. An existence where this other she wasn't the one that met me and had our summer holiday together. It was the same person but from a different dimension. Another Mirja from another Earth with another Jordan which they didn't meet.

I saw that all as she was standing just in front of me and I didn't register any meaning to her because she didn't know me. An air tense with awkwardness that feels slow and forever.

I still know what we've gone though very vividly and also know this her knows nothing about anything Jordan. And I willing let her slip though my filters for the last time, out of my radar for good, as I start looking forward now.

That's my dream. So much situation comprehension and so much mind games from so little action.

I still think it's weird.

Weird. But lovely.

Unlock Those Mental Walls

2011-04-22T02:14:00.003+08:00

I like the way life is unveiling itself to me. I really do.

Barely over 2 years ago and even up till a year ago, I would never, ever, ever see myself being with a China girl. Never. The language barrier. The culture barrier. The barrier's barrier. All those countless walls I have in my mind.

Then as I came to KLIUC I've changed again. One of the many changes I've seen myself gone though is building relationships with China people.

It started with a few lines with a few people, and then I got to know more and more and subconciously I've becoming more and more open to them. Although the language barrier still exist, it appears to be somewhat bridged. And the cultural difference seems to have never existed.

And last sem I've got to know a few China hotties on a more personal level. And then now there's my sister friend which eventhough I know only from online ( and am not sure is even from mainland China though her name and face suggests so). She's another step in bridging this issue with my reality.

Then today. This afternoon I had a dream. I was at some place with new people all around me. I was myself and somehow I found a cute china girl entering my life to a very personal level. The trust, the physical contacts, the coupling. I've seen it all before and I know what it feels like. Maybe it's early stages of love. But fact is, she's China girl. Today, I actually dreamed of being in love with a china girl.

In the dream, language still remained a barrier but from what my summer holidays activity with the Dutchess Mirja taught me, language barrier can be overcome by chemistry. Two people who goes well with the right chemistry doesn't need to talk much because they can laugh all day long at nothing.

So that brought me another step closer now to my greatness reality. One by one of my own mental restriction are being broken apart as just myth.

And with each freedom, I ask myself, what can't I do?

The Night Always Take All The Day Pain Away

2011-04-22T02:04:00.004+08:00

Like towards the ending of the movie Donnie Darko, he was tucked in his bed laughing at himself as he probably had already seen the future and is enjoying whatever prospect it is.

That's what I am right now. It's no stranger already, although it's not a well published routine of mine I know feeling all too well by now. No matter what shit I go through in the morning, day, evening, night, no matter what dark history I had once lived though, no matter what shortcomings I have right now, every time I lie on my own bed and let my thoughts go wild, I get a very comforting feeling.

That whatever I am and wherever I are right now, that no matter what I do now, my destiny is already written long ago and soon the time will come for me to discover it, face it and embrace it. And my destiny is to achieve greatness.

I need not worry about how do I achieve that because all worrying is just temporary, but rather it seems I should just sit back and enjoy each moment as it pass from the future to history.

All the recent things I've done and people I've met. My assignments, my organization, my plannings, my friends, my lifestyle. Mirja. Jing. My sister and my family. At the end of the day no matter how I mess it up, there will always be a better tomorrow. I'm so sure of that.

Always will. That's me. Unrealistic at times but no doubt positive and on the right way. My way.

What Is Your Moral Guideline?

2011-04-18T21:29:00.003+08:00

Some people might ask why did I pass the opportunity to take advantage of the opportunity I had with the new girl of this holiday. I had many chances but I think I'm the kind who lives by my own code of conduct.

Like the Japanese Samurai of Honour and Loyalty, like the English Knights for their chivalry.

For me even though I don't have any religion, I have my own moral guidance in deciding what's wrong and what's right, what's okay from what's not.

Sometimes when I'm at the crossroad of conflicting desires, I'll ask myself what is right and what is wrong. Most often the right is the harder choice and most of the time I'll reluctantly agree and comply, and most of the time there's no regretting. What is this that I've been consulting, I have no idea but it's good.

On the outside I'm just like every other guy always thinking about girls, but it feels inside I've this moral guideline to keep me on my own path of righteousness in the way I deem most myself.

Maybe because of passing all this sort of opportunities, it's made me who I am today. One day, I'll understand myself better.

Don't Tell Me How To Live My Life

2011-04-15T01:42:00.006+08:00

If there ever is somebody, it's me. The person who would always be your greatest friend and your greatest enemy. I choose my choices.

To some they might be surprise even though we just met, I would go an extra mile for her sake without wanting anything in return. All because I just want to be a good friend. Ask Mirja.

To some others, I can be a thorn up your ass.

But to most sometimes I don't think they deserve my full attention all the time.

So don't come telling me I should not do this do that because it is morally incorrect or because society sees it as not right. I do what I want. Even my own parents knows nagging me is a lost cause. Even my close friends would tell you I'm headstrong.

If I post a picture of a toilet bowl with some stuff in it, don't come telling me it's wrong. Don't bother. Nobody is 100% right to claim I'm wrong. I may be naive or insensitive but that does not make me wrong in any way.

To some it may be offensive, unethical or simply immature but I don't give a shit about what others care up till the finer details. The way I see it, I'm just making a memory to remember the present as what it is. Life is not always sweet like we want it to be so why can't I capture a not-sweet moment?

So as a concern friend you should know your limits as a friend and leave me alone. I create my own world, when I rise I rise, when I fall I pick myself up myself. It's not because of God or whatever culture or religion which specifically come and help me out, it's always been myself.

Whatever your religion teach you about trying to teach me about righteousness, keep it to yourself.

I respect yours ,you respect mine and leave me alone. Don't tell me I'm wrong simple because you believe 100% that yours is right.

The world doesn't work like that.

When The Going Gets Tough, The Tough Gets Going

2011-04-12T16:26:00.006+08:00

For the past few nights up till last night, I had difficulties sleeping. On numerous nights when I'm on the conform of my bed and as my mind runs wild about everything, it eventually gets stuck at one issue. A continuously reoccurring problem which gets bigger and more serious by each sleepless night.

Money.

After spending over the top during the last summer holiday, the reality is now starting to set in. I knew it would come and I didn't want to face it but I will to. Eventually. In life. A matter of time. How long can a person live in oblivious?

I'm 23 this year and I don't really have a crazy amount of savings of my own. I do have a decent one thanks to my working time in Singapore, but even so it's just a matter of delaying the eventual. That one day I'll run dry and things will get bad.

I couldn't sleep because the though of having a deficit cashflow for the past few months finally topped with that huge spending for the semester was too much to ignore anymore.

I even went to the extend of seriously considering dedicating my all into finding a way to make money. There were a few realistic options but for now in the short term I've found a concept to stick to, for the sake of my own peace of mind. I will cut down on all expenses by half. That way every month I won't hit deficit again, I'll be stopping the problem and although slowly, rectifying it.

Saving may only be a short term solution for the scenario but it is in no way a long term proper solution to the problem. The only way to avoid a crisis of this is to fuckin earn more than we spend.

Being a full time student, I think I should use my fuckin brain to start devising a fuckin plan.

over and out.

Updated:
And now it's becoming more and more real. I should start putting my talent into a presentable manner and monetize it. I'm gonna connect back to the same frequency as reality.

To: Mirja Bokx

2011-03-30T22:13:00.010+08:00

30th March 2011

Everything you read here is 100% original and unfiltered.

I thought I would not be writing this down anytime soon, but logically reasoning with the words and emotions I have in me right now, the time to write it out is now or never.

I won't be writing out every little daily detail in what such chronological order whatsoever or will I attach all the beautiful pictures because I'm not a picture guy. The best picture I see are those in my mind and the best way I can show you is by writing it out for the world. That's how much I really care.

Some people relive their best memories down by looking at all their pictures, but for me I always am living my best memories in my mind. Unlike most, I don't have the pictures as appendices but to me in writing out is my way of sharpening the selected sweet memories so I can keep it alive in my mind, every time.

There shouldn't be anything for me to write by right because I've told you everything, but there are still some certain things that I couldn't tell you before this. Things that I feel either is irrelevant, random or just not yet ideally timed to tell. Or also, certain things which I know you could understand better if I wrote it down rather than tell you verbally.

Below are some of the good memories I have had with you.
I will update this list from time to time so I'll end it before I even start it: I wish you all the best in all that you do, I will not forget you and you can be sure you are always part of my collection of my sweet memories in this life.

. . .

I like how we can laugh at nothing at all. I tell you something, you didn't really understand what I told you and thinking, and I laugh at you because you're cute and you laugh at me back. All while not really knowing why we are laughing about hahahaha. I think it's called chemistry.

I remember that one time at Liana's one morning when you were drinking the milk with your cereal for breakfast. The Dutch Lady is drinking the Dutchlady! :D

No Mirja, my English isn't that good either. I just have been writing a lot lately and the words comes out a little more smoothly :)

I like how we were listening to music together too that night at Ei8ht Mentiti. I didn't plan it to be that way but sometimes things just happen and turn out to be a beautiful moment. Just like that.

I recall the other night when after I had my shower and came back to the room, you told me the guys wanted to play Risk again (oh my god it's really long and tiring!) and we were both like *PANIC!!* LOL and thinking of how to tell them no politely. In the end Tom asked if I was your spokesperson. HAHA. Yes, boss.

I remember how after I told you about calling the waiters " Boss " is normal in Malaysia, some time later you went and tried it. But it didn't really work because I forgot to tell you it is only for Malaysian's waiters. LOL. You tried calling the guy Boss but he didn't understand you and I was laughing... again, as always. LOL.

I know even though sometimes language is a barrier, I can still understand you even before you finish saying your sentence. And you also know I know and don't need to finish your sentence because I already know. hahahah. And we will end up laughing at each other again :):)

Another thing you should know. Two days before we first met, on the way to Taman Negara I promised myself that after this semester break, for the next semester I will find a girlfriend. One day before we met, the three of us guys were having dinner at night and I almost went and talk to a girl sitting alone. But I didn't. I chickened out, really. You might be surprised of that. And I was surprise to have met you the night after that. I think after this I don't need to prove anything to myself already about finding a girlfriend. I remember how to treat a girl well :)

. . .

31st March 2011

You are right Mirja. How on Earth did two people became so close in just 7 days, I don't really know. It has only got to be chemistry if anything.

With each passing day leading to today I feel as we get to know each other better, we allow ourselves to let ourselves know about the other and that makes us know each other even more than before. It started from nothing but a chance meeting but ended up as one of the strongest friendship I've ever had in such quick time.

Today after I said goodbye to you and on my way home while waiting for the bus to move, I heard your voice in my head saying "Lets go" to the bus. Really, I heard your voice.

reallllllllllllllly

And then when I realise you are no longer by my side anymore, my heart sank. I feel a cold silence at my heart. Quiet, a little too quiet. :(

I really had a good time with you and *cliche!* it is not. I cannot express what I feel for you and I think you the same too but it's okay. We can laugh it together :)

I came out of nowhere from the wind and went back to nowhere with the wind. You came down from up there and you've gone back to up there. And this is a story we wrote together, so beautiful I don't think I can bother telling anyone about it because noone will truly understand it, except you and me only.

20 years from today is 31st April 2031. Lets meet again.

. . .

9th April 2011

Remember many times when you tried to touch me emotionally, I would sometimes retract and close up? Remember the one night when we were outside Ei8ht Mertiti on the table and hearing my songs while writing our journals, and you said " I think I'm gonna cry the day we say goodbye". And I turn my head aside forawhile? Remember? I was 0.5 seconds away from crying out of nowhere and I couldn't let you see me like that. Sometimes I wonder what if I did, how would the rest of our time become?

That, you were the closest anyone have come in over 2 years to making me cry. The previous time I cried was when I said goodbye to my new friends in Indonesia too. It must be something about me and building friendship.

Sometimes I think I'm just scared deep down inside to let my true emotions be known, or maybe it is just that I've learned from the past not to let my true vulnerable self be seen by the world. Yes it has brought me this far in life but I think, to the very few people in my whole life that can reach my deepest level, you deserve to know that I really think you are special.

When people ask me about you, I can't really think of anything outstanding about you, but somehow the most outstanding thing you have is my friendship. Our friendship. And nobody would ever understand the true meaning of it. I always make sure I let people know when I appreciate them, and also true to you. I appreciate you.

To be continued.

Dsipiontmnet.

2011-03-13T04:44:00.004+08:00

Spend many hours of the whole day dedicated entirely for one purpose, faultless in the effort spent but at the end of the day when it all boils down to one thing, it comes to nothing.

And how timely for the Arsenal vs Man U match being what it was, summed up exactly how I've been. So much effort and a more than solid reason but so lacking the heart and ultimately it cost us the result.

Just like how the tabloids would call it, A night to forget.

Enigmatic.

2011-03-13T04:30:00.002+08:00

Being diplomatic in nature, I tend to the last one you'll put your money on in being involved in a fight.

But. That's just one side of the story. There's the other and it's pretty accurately defined as impulsive.

When I'm under negative stress, drained out and having a bad run of form often I find myself restraining myself from doing stupid things I'll most definitely regret later on. Like shoving someone from the front and beating him up without any thoughts of consequences for whatever reason. Often, the simplest of annoyance they perhaps don't even realize comes naturally.

Consequences includes losing respect from others and myself, losing friends, bad reputation, unnecessary new foes, subject of gossips and being possibly thrown out of school. Oh. and physically injured too.

Surprising perhaps but I know myself well enough through the background that when I let impulse take over me, I am able to do things. Just ask someone who I grew up fighting with often back then.

I find it quite ironic for a 80% diplomatic person to have such dark, total opposite in the remaining 20%. It's a secret very well kept hidden and forgotten but that's just me. It won't change, that's who I am.

Whatever Tomorrow Brings I'll Be There.

2011-03-12T03:43:00.003+08:00

This.

Different avenues offers opportunities to demonstrate different attributes of us to the world.

I took me years to figure this concept out as opposed to seconds to construct that line out but here it is.

I may not be able to explain why I do what I do immediately, now, or if ever, but time and time again I find reason and justifications for decisions I've made later on in life. And it totally supports the principle that help made that decision then.

So in all, don't be surprise if I sound so elderly and serious on some Facebook chat, serious and plain on some status replies, disillusioned with my FB status, crazy and wacky on some other chats and comments, authoritative during a mix up, hilarious during dinner and so full of nonsense when I'm talking to my brother.

Because that's just the way I am. Even for those close around me, I'm not entirely predictable too. Whatever it is, it now comes naturally. Long way from who I was once upon a time.

In the words of Limp Bizkit, " I'm a million different person from one day to the next "

Inability to Focus and Concentrate..

2011-03-12T02:39:00.002+08:00

Is really not as funny as I would want it to sound like.

Lately from play futsal I've came to realize one of my friend (who I've been putting alot of pressure on to improve on his performance) might have a condition. He reminds me a lot of another guy I know who also have a serious condition of being unable to focus that I've only come to know about from futsal, too.

It's actually like this. In futsal everyone have to concentrate all the time on the movement of the ball as they constantly try to reposition themselves in the best possible way tactically. However for them, their inability to focus continously becomes very apparent when they are caught out of position.

I'm saying this now only because I've been reminded of it recently. It's no new surprise to me to be honest. In fact, I know it all too well.

Growing up back then during our O level days when sitting in front of the book for hours a day is the only way to make ends meet, I questioned myself why can't I focus. My mind tend to drift, drift, drift away so naturally. Natural it is, but like everything in life progression and survival requires adaptation. I've eventually found a way around it and perhaps that's why I'm still here today. Studying greater education for greater purpose.

Back to the topic, I wondered if it's true that this is actually for some, a medical condition. Everybody's created different and some are less fortunate in this sense. I heard my sister mention it and it's no doubt possible. I'm never a fan of medicines and biology and I wish never to need to see a doctor but keeping a blind eye to some things simply means being suicidal.

I wonder I wonder.

Another day I would have dug out an adequate answer from Google, but tonight I should be in bed long ago.

A Special Someone

2011-02-11T16:04:00.002+08:00

Despite what everyone say or thinks, I'm unlike what most people believe.

In the past week or so I've found a new friend and we are very close. Too close to be friends to some too in fact. I say? F that.

But seriously, now that the clouds have settled down I see new questions starting to emerge. And as I solve one by one as they appear from me for me and to me, there's on conclusion I've came up which is worthy to be shared.

You know, despite again what everyone believe, personally I don't see the need to have a reason, an explanation, a motive, a Why, to everything that I do. Some things people ask me why do I do what I do and I can't answer. It ain't because I'm hiding some information, it's simply because I myself don't know it too. I just do. It doesn't always feel nice or right but it always feel like the correct thing to do.

So simply said, people are asking me why do I do the correct things. And I'm suppose to justify that? Really? Do the world need me to explain why the world don't do only good things?

This friend of mine which I've very close to, nobody actually asked me about it yet but before anyone does, I know what I've got to say already.

We both just enjoy being with each other and in a lonely school like this we can quite do with each other. There is a total absence of any romance despite what it seems, and it's perfectly logical. Two person don't have to be in love to appreciate each other afterall.

People around us are treating us ( more on me in fact) like we're a couple. Perhaps we are a couple, but just not the lovey birdy romantic couple.

In a way, I find it very, very cool.

Jordan vs. The World.

Are We Humans? Or Are We Dancers?

2011-01-24T02:07:00.002+08:00

Lately I've been listening to an old school song. Old and outdated as it is, some things just never really expire.

I've connected the song to a female friend of mine, that despite knowing her since secondary school and after all this years of keeping close, we never really actually close.

I've seen her changed from the studious type, to the boyfriend type, to the rough time in her relationship. Pretty much everything it is. Somehow this song is the one song we both have in common for a long while, and singing it brings back chemistry in my memories of her.

I've decided that I want to have her as my friend for the many, many decades that's to come. I will want to be there for her when the going is smooth and rough, and more.

That's true. I choose the things in my life and she's one I've chosen.

I Didn't Take It As An Insult, But I Felt Insulted

2011-01-20T20:32:00.002+08:00

when someone came up to me and asked if I had anything on later today. Being honest and true, I said No.

He asked again to confirm. And I confirmed I had Nothing on later. I am free.

And he asked me to come study with him.

I immediately turned him down.

It's nothing personal, it's just that I don't see myself as a studious person and despite what it appears, I am not a studious person either.

So on a public holiday I would atlease expect people to have the decency to not ask me this sort of things. Studying is our work as occupation is our nature but it isn't everything. Like suggesting working on a public holiday, this is just wrong at so many levels.

Another One To Keep A Lookout

2011-01-17T20:23:00.002+08:00

Was viewing some dude from my school FB profile and his pictures and I was right. He's just a gay loser.

It doesn't matter if you're a high scorer at class or a god at tekwando. Truth is, nobody gives a shit. Well there is. Those your kind too on your wavelength does, how unfortunate.

I came to conclude a few things:

The people are you in the picture speaks alot by itself. Awesome people have awesome people around them. Or if situation doesn't permit, awesome people have no problem having no body around them.

Gay loser people have gay losers around them too. Just like how birds of a feather flocks together.

In this new age where superficial impression is very important, having pictures like that on your FB is just the way to down rank yourself.

Went to bed last night

2011-01-12T22:36:00.002+08:00

with the lights and fan both turned off. I remember very clearly thinking to myself the guys next door are noisy because of the absolute lack of activity and sound from my room, I could hear it very clearly.

And this morning I woke up with the light and the fan both on.

Weird.

Pretty very damn sure I know what I was doing/done and that is sleep and not on any of that.

Boomdeyadah!

2011-01-12T18:22:00.003+08:00

As students of my very international KLIUC, it doesn't take much to see the amazing thing about the word international here. Look beyond the majority and common locals of MalayChineseIndian and it doesn't take much to start noticing the interesting minorities.

First of all as I've known among the best of are the east Malaysians. To be honest before coming here I have no idea what are they like. I've been oblivious and/or blinded and didn't even know what I've been missing.

To cut a long story short, these far east movement are actually a bunch of distinctive, different yet also uniquely Malaysian humans. Cool names too, really.

In Primary School at jordan's class:
Teacher to rest: Name a Malay boy..?
Class: Ali!
Name an Indian boy..?
Class: Bala!
Name a Chinese boy..?
Class: Chong!

See how the names are all so common, typical and dull? And above all, widely used? There's an ali/bala/chong everywhere.

Then comes the influx of the far east movement and

People: I'm lincoln dominic. I'm joy cotter. I'm hilary jonathan. I'm nathalia luter.

HOW AWESOME IS THAT LA OMFG.

Anyway, the original purpose of writing this post was to just say I met two people today. Both friends but as I got to know them better I found out one's from Libya and the other from Tanzania.

And I didn't even have the slightest of slighted shit clue about where they both are located on the map(beside that Tanzania is in Africa and Libya is somEwhere near arab land, I think) till I feel no shame in coming clean about my lack of geographical knowledge.

There's so much to learn from them, yet still little motive. Maybe this is what naive is.

Awesome.

In Making A Wish, Is The First Step of Realizing A Reality

2011-01-10T00:36:00.004+08:00

Three years ago ( two and a half to be exact) on my 20th birthday I thought to myself if I really had a wish to come true, what would it be?

To start, it will not be money because money can be earned and will be spent empty. Something deeper.

It will not be personality or character because at the end of the day we'll day contented if we want to; it's all starts and ends from and at the mind. Something more clinical in life.

Maybe a new life changing ability like mind reading, telepathy or time warping. But in all seriousness that's just too fictional for me.

What would you ask for?

In the end I figured I want something that would compliment what I already have.

the complexity of my own mind

The ultimate add-on. Like on Firefox but for real life.

On my 20th birthday if I had one wish, I would want to know how I would be thinking in four years time in preparation for the coming 40 years time. That's what I want. The logic is simple, in knowing so I would waste less time finding what I would eventually find in 4 years time and hence go straight to the point and bring the future here faster.

I knew at that current point of my life, the decisions and choices I make in those two years are the ones determining the way the rest of my life would turn out. Like the heaviest time of our life, weight for weight they are the gold of a persons whole life.

A veteran is a veteran because at 18 he decided to join the army. A dentist owns a clinic because at 15 he believed he love Biology. My mother is an accountant because during some time of her life she went to UK for ACCA.

So here I am today.

When somebody asked me to join the school's debating society, I knew almost instinctively that I need to turn him down; there's no debate about it. Period. There are many things I can discuss and argue about but joining the debate club is entirely out of the question. I didn't even know whats the reason to it while standing very firmly on my decision.

Why, why, why. Like whats already becoming a norm to me now, my instinctive decisions are the best bet though not always right. It took me days of on and off subconscious thinking before I've finally figured out the social level reason for it.

The next time a person ask, I would say it's because I have nothing I want to gain from it, I have nothing to prove from it, I am not bothered to impress anyone by joining it, I want to help nobody from it. I am what I am, I know what I want and need for this life and English and Debating society isn't it.

No, that's just too long. Easier to say I'm just shy of people.

And yes. The best for last.

At 23 as of 2011, being top in the eyes of the society is way outdated. The in thing for the mind at 23 years old is to be on the correct highway to being the top in our life. Long way to go, but we're going there.

My 4 Shortest Hours on the go

2011-01-08T20:32:00.003+08:00

How is it justified the actions I did when I intended to delegate some work to a respectable group member but he kept on delay dallying my briefing for his task for many days till I've got enough of tolerance and spent almost the same time in this another waiting session to start it, do it and actually finish some good quality shit which I came to realised he would take days to produce anything near that stuff and not to mention all the "transit time" of me waiting for him waiting for himself to do the work?

Seriously, what happened to synergy?

And part of me feel I failed myself at becoming a leader to lead others, while the other part of me says it's Okay as long as the end result is satisfactory. Like how the end justifies the means.

How Many Shoes does a normal guy should have?

2011-01-06T23:26:00.002+08:00

This always intrigues me- the fact that I actually have quite a number of footwear for a guy.

LIST
1. Field soccer boots
2. Futsal boots
3. Formal shoes
4. Casual shoes
5. Casual shoes
6. Running shoes
7. Casual slippers black
8. Casual slippers white
9. School slippers
10. Toilet slippers

Total: 10 pair of shoes.

Despite it being double digit I still am sticking to my strict stand that I only go for practicality and have just one shoe per reason except for casual wears. Even so that's 10 altogether. Amazing.

And the best part is at core level I still feel like I don't have sufficient choices. I can imagine my room's half filled with shoes and I can imagine I'd know who to point the finger for this at: my house.

Seasonal Distances

2011-01-06T21:23:00.003+08:00

Was and Will be

Is

V e r y a - M a z y y y y - i n g

I Met Somebody New Today

2011-01-06T02:20:00.004+08:00

I met somebody new today and after talking for about an hour over a meal I make he's one of those journeyman across continents, a sharp end player in his own game and the upper class of this general society.

All while living with a real shade of self restrain from a shortcoming ownself perceived and hidden to the outside world. I know this all too well, I've seen it all before.

The way he juggles the strength, the shortcoming and the reality is what kept my attention.

There's always something new in every somebody new we meet, if there isn't then that somebody is really actually a nobody.

So back to room, back to the drawing board. And the question remains: What am I?

It's All in the Eyes

2011-01-04T01:56:00.002+08:00

I was just searching up on the internet on how to improve my own appearance on the camera and posing etc. It went on to the smiles and I was looking at the mirror, making all kinds of faces and enjoying myself.

When it struck me that I have some sort harmfully penetrative, idea conveying, point convincing eyes. I don't know where it'd came from but I have a strong feeling it's not the end of it that I'm seeing now; there's still to come from it.

I guess its true, perhaps it's an idea I've been bought over by my own penetrative eyes from looking at the mirror. or not.

My New Year Resolution 2011

2011-01-03T02:40:00.003+08:00

Everyone is flawed as nobody is perfect and in this society everyone also is too preoccupied with worrying about oneself shortcoming to actually see that most everyone is just like that too.

I may be one of that, I may be not one of that. Either way it doesn't matter to me what I am in that. To myself I've got my own list of things to do and things to be. This year 2011 I want to be one step better than all I ever was.

After long times spent with self reflection, as of now without digging chunks out from the future, I have two and only two notable shortcomings. I will not count my blessings here but in emphasizing on overall balance, something needs to be done about this two shortcomings and the time is now.

For all the events that lead to what they are today, I will not play the pointing fingers game on it. Like most problems I encounter, I deal with them by working on the present and the future with little concern about the past.

The two shortcomings are:
1. Fixing my imperfect tooth.
2. Driving.

It's funny how most people take those two above lightly/for granted and my world seems to revolve around them but that's life I suppose.

It takes alot of courage to come clean about my actual shortcomings but here it is.

About the two above, my plan are as the following.

1. Go to a dentist and get it done. It's really easy. Right now my biggest obstacle is my own mind and I'm making it a reality by thinking and mentally accepting it everyday. Like everything I believe in, believing itself is the first step of actually doing it. So far so good.

2. Similarly I'm starting to imagine the endless possibilities if I have the luxury of a car. The inexperience at driving exist all along simply because I don't have a car to start my own journey of driving. I will want to get a car and end it all.

By mid 2011, July 1st to be exactly, on my birthday that happens to be too, I will face my demons again and see how far have I gone since now.

Till We Can Face A Mirror Only Then Can We Face The World

2011-01-02T04:55:00.005+08:00

One of the countless things I believe everyone must do before they can finally truly live their life is to accept their body.

It is a phrase so simply said, commonly heard and perhaps lightly understood but in this world we live in almost everyone fail to accept their body for many reasons. Some have big body and reckon they are fat, some are fat, some are the opposite of that, some realised they can't grow taller anymore, some think they are imperfect and so. Some are right, some are not.

To fully accept our own body doesn't mean we need to go and f-around or wow the guys and girls alike. We just need to get that joy from looking at our own body everytime we look at a big mirror.

Until we can accept our body as who we are, we will always be living in the shadows of our own existence.

I'm almost there physically just left a few minor fixes but my mind and character wise I'm also almost there. The balance of life is my key to keep moving forward.

For now, if anyone ask I'll say I'm Single But Not Available :)

Because I simply haven't fully accepted myself yet and I don't want anybody to do the same either.

Nostalgia at Differentiating the Needy from the Fakers

2010-12-31T01:00:00.003+08:00

After a long day out and really drained, I reached back to my room and was relaxing down. Barely 10 minutes later someone knocked on my door and upon asking him whats the matter, he asked me if I could help give some idea for his assignment to him.

Naturally I was obviously pissed at his timing and was thinking of the nicest way of rejection. He got a phone call and as he was conversing in Arabic I took the opportunity to just sit back infront of my computer and continue to relax. The plan for the problem at the door? None. Relaxing is fun.

As I composed myself my thoughts starts asking myself, have we not done this too many times before already in the past? Of turning away people in need simply because I reckon I'm not in the mood for it.

Then I thought for a change, I would try the opposite.

I thought about that girl from the cafe which despite having a very low profile, she wouldn't shy away if someone who needs her help asked her for a favour. Even if it comes to nothing or worse, I'm wrong, atlease I can take some peace from giving. I would give it a try, now.

I told him to come in. I opened my heart to actually listening to him and helping him as best as I practically can. I helped him. After about 10 minutes we found the good stuff as the foundation for his assignment. He said thanks and left.

dot dot dot

On my way to the showers I realised that despite the massive internal anti-support, helping actually takes a quick while. Perhaps a little too quick. Perhaps if he didn't come to me he would have spent 10x the effort and 10x the time to get something of that standard due to his language and origin( he's from Arab) disadvantage.

Maybe I've been stereotyping people too much and when the real cry for help comes knocking on my door, I turn them away faster than the time it takes to blink an eye.

At the end of the day, despite how I despise society, we all still need each other. One day when I go to a foreign land and find the locals for help.

Dear Sister

2010-12-29T02:59:00.003+08:00

This is going to be a quick one because it's 3 o' clock in the morning and I jumped out of bed to type this down.

Dear Sister.

I had a dream last night. Dream isn't as accurate a word I could think of right now but I'd rather that than deja vu.

It's five years in the future from now and you are newly wed. Perhaps been 6 months since getting married but so early on the cracks started to appear. Somehow I hear about your problem, your marriage problem, like all your problems that somehow always end up at my ears and it's not a good sign. Husband problem. But married already, how? Game over?

I could solve all your problems for you one by one in the ideal universe but in reality I have my own life to live too and I can't be the back up plan all the time. I can go and bash him up and fix the problem the hard way or the soft way but it's only a matter of time before another one crops up, no?

Best is if we could avoid all this problem syndrome altogether. Maybe that's the reason why I had that dream. It got me thinking about my stance towards this matter and envision my response if it was true. Like a needle, poking me with it makes me feel pain and react. No needle, no pain, no Jordan reaction.

I want to add something on top of all that passive thoughts. That you know, if we were half a room away like back then and not half a world away like now, I would want to tell you this.

That I really don't mind between the three of us siblings, if I had the choice, I would hope the best for both of you and opt for the worst to befall me. The sucky family problems? Give me. The problematic spouse? Mine. The unrest in both your mind? I'd take. All the negativity in you? Pass it to me. I can take this sort of shit and still make a light in the future.

I know we grew all grew up together and somewhat have the same family background but perhaps it's just my personality. Gifted to tolerate and transmute shit into peace. I've the self belief that tomorrow is always a better day.

If all that gives peace to my mind, I would.

Let me sleep in peace.

All the above is true and I understand the interpretation of it is individualistic.

Malaysia Boleh

2010-12-28T16:52:00.003+08:00

Newspaper: Asian Football Federation Suzuki Cup: Malaysia beats Indonesia 3-0, thanks to laser beams

I'm starting to have a liking for Malaysia's football team

How not to?

Lets Let The Car Break Down

2010-12-27T22:46:00.006+08:00

One mundane afternoon on the routine way back from cafe to hostel in car came a brilliant idea/fantasy of a break from the mundane routine.

I'd imagined on one really free day we should do something crazy just for the fun of it.

We would drive the car along the normal route and when it's exactly infront of the females hostel block during the peak hour of human traffic the car would mysteriously break down.

Car breaks down and out comes the real guys in the guys.

And having no choice we would have to fix it the old school way.

The hard way.

Off goes the shirts and on comes the shades.

So under the afternoon sun we would have to change the (not) flat tyre. And in order to do that we would have to dedicate our priceless energy into opening the boot first to take out the spare tyre.

And before doing that we would have to also open the bonnet, erm.. to.. check for 6 foot long reptiles who might have sneaked into the engine, stayed there and is asking for trouble.

Yes. It's all part of the process of fixing the car.

And have the serious yet calm and cool expression painted all over our faces.

All to fix a mysteriously broken car that so happen to actually be even more mysteriously, not broken after all.

Oh well

The Guy

2010-12-27T20:13:00.012+08:00

I'm writing this for three reasons:

1. To prove to myself I can still write out my concepts
2. To prove to myself I can still think of concepts to write out, and
3. I'm actually quite free.

Oh, and

4. To show to myself that following our enthusiasm is actually a good thing unlike what I've always made to believe.

And I'm writing this for not this one reason:
1. To be a good Samaritan and help out a needy.

This real world is cruel and cruel is what that is if you believe you're living in the real world.

So the case:

There's this one guy I happen to went out with a bunch of friends and after a quick dinner it became very obvious there's something wrong with him. Social awkwardness. Socially incompetent. Social outcast. On the surface what people says very much sums up what this is: "You don't see him because he don't go to the cafe. He don't go to the cafe because he's got no friends"

Or it is really actually, he don't have friends because he don't go to the cafe. The cafe here by general understanding refers to the one and only social place in the whole campus, and to the hostel community it's the only place to hang out in campus. To avoid it is unheard of. Until now.

At some point of a football topic he joined in by asking one of them whether any of us have a girlfriend. That left all of us stunned because, with respect to the unspoken rules of social etiquette, jumping topic is considered odd and rude.

For the pros it works wonders as a start up line

Guy and girl

Guy: Hey, did you see a yellow file somewhere around here? A friend left it here a while ago and it's missing. There's important stuff in it..

Girl: Err, I don't think so.. Where did he last left it?

and so a conversation and a connection starts with a chick.

For the not-pros, it works shit.

Guy and girl

Guy: Do you want to follow me go the mall? We can go eat there.

Girl: Err.. noooo [WTF?!!!]

Credit to Neil Strauss

So point made.

But the real purpose of writing this blog entry is to decipher the signs and decode the situation and unearth the cause of the effect.

The Problem Decoded

It's really simple, really.

That is basically what it is.

That being what it is isn't quite a big problem, the problem is here:

The Problem Decoded V2

If I was a bad ass and/or had the motive, trust me I know how to manipulate and exploit this sort of people for my own gain. This is the reason why it's dangerous. His well being is subjected to some other's approval.

If you're reading this, please don't find me. I'm not the helper. I'm just the blogger writing out the obvious.

No, seriously.

Monday Bleus

2010-12-27T20:02:00.003+08:00

No matter what I do and how much fun I have, every Monday seem to come with the Monday bleus disease. Of feeling slow, soft, lumped, heavy and sinking.

This is like a real disease already la.

Thought of a solution which is to write my thoughts out on a physical journal and perhaps sweetly keep it half hidden under my pillow for the sweetness sake of it. But then again what the hack, I have a freaking blog.

Meh.

P/s to self: Reading this next time, don't delete it. It is not emo or mood swing, it is real.

Nice and Vengeful

2010-12-19T11:58:00.003+08:00

I'm both a nice guy and a vengeful guy. I treat everyone nicely on the outside almost without bias, but when people mess with me the vengeance last for very, very long. Misdoings happens all the time, but the continious irrational misdoings with clear sight of their intention breeds vengeance.

Some would say I should go and get a religion or go to church to fix myself but seriously no. The problem is with me yes, but I'm no angel or saint and why the fck do I need to fix myself to accommodate others shortcoming. That's their own responsibility, if you can't even control your own actions then that just is a lower being and you should get what you deserve.

Don't expect that in times of hardship you'll be all wrapped in love because in reality, the norm is it's all one man for themselves. Anything better is a bonus, anything less is no surprise. Don't expect me to be caring, tolerant, compliant and oblivious to the obvious reality and most of all understanding. Because I understand very well the fact that a person like that don't deserve all of the above like charity.

I've got my own life to live and my own dreams to achieve, don't cross your past with my future.

Malaysia is the real CIMB Bank

2010-12-14T23:24:00.003+08:00

This is CIMB Bank. Found practically almost everywhere in Malaysia, quite like the next few common things after rubbish and Proton.

picture from here

My brother used to pronounce it as "cimb bank", and is the acronym for Chinese Indian Malay Bank.

Interesting ha.

So to put it into perspective, in Malaysia here we have a brand that is literally almost everywhere and quite represent the three major types of people filling up the land. That itself is pretty much everything already, until one sees the biGGer picture.

That Malaysia is actually the playground for these three main races, the platform for them all to exist and grow along each other while still maintaining their respective uniqueness.

Quite like a freaggin bank with multiple currencies, all going through the same counter.

No matter what they try to make you believe with all those kids voice saying United We Stand, Divided We Fall lines on the radio, the truth is that in reality for most parts the general rule is to fit in, one needs to stick closer to their fellow race-mates.

Like a Chinese dude sticking with his chinese clique at the cafe everytime, every damn day. Like having a strong faith that Chinese alone will take over the world one day soon.

Like Indians always sitting in a big group around a table and do nothing and have that "Non-Indians are not allowed to enter this circle" looks all over their faces.

Or Malays. I guess they are friendlier than the previous mentioned two.

They are ofcourse the typical few who being the way they are is the reason this stereotype exist, but they are also the other portion who sees it differently. I would say, the modern thinking. The genuine OneMalaysia attitude. That should be the right way forward.

But for the most part, we are still stuck with culture difference. Malaysia really is the CIMB Bank.

2010-12-14T23:18:00.003+08:00

I often have those brief moment of something brilliant to write on the blog after a long and tiring day when I'm finally back on the bed waiting to go on system hibernate.

Problem is, the call for darkness is just too overwhelming strong most of the time, I sleep and it's gone.

And here I am writing a little lot of nothingness.

ZoukOut 2010`

2010-12-12T23:34:00.003+08:00

and the computer just died on me after I was 85.2962% done.

So much for patience.

Black

2010-12-10T15:10:00.002+08:00

She's wearing black today (and she look wonderful) but for me, black have been integrated and metamorphosed into a lifestyle already.

Black is a component to everything colourful in me, from the cloths and fashion to the electronic gadgets and gears, to mood, emotions, state of mind and approach in life. It is a part of me.

Like water, a baby born clear became cloudy over time being exposed to the world.

Guy and Girl

2010-12-09T01:03:00.002+08:00

I think the moment I get a girl to walk alongside me is the time the aura radiates into them and give them a mysterious something to consider coming back again.

The fact that I don't talk much isn't because I cannot but rather it's because I treasure moment of silence too as much as vocal conversation moments.

Yeah. Quite like that.

But until then I'm just another normal guy that fills up the space like flies fill daily sky.

That's Why We Go To School For

2010-11-30T22:25:00.002+08:00

In recent times I've been seeking an true answer to why do we go to school for.

This is one of those simple questions but with a complex answer we are surrounded with in life.

To some going to school is purely because it'd became an obligation to equip ourselves with accreditation in this early years of our real life. Or simply said, because everyone else goes to school hence so.

Well the first half of that is true, that we all need labels to top our skin so to be accepted into this mainly shallow society.

What's more interesting is what kind of mentality template that's running the person to persevere as a student while studying. Like a computer hardware functional with various types of OS, a person too is functional with various kinds of mentality.

Some come to school with the grand plan of being in the average class. Some plan to always give their best though often come short of anything outstanding. Some comes to class with one and only one thing in mind- to be the top of the lot and float by the rewards it carries, while some others come just because they must.

In my opinion that and most of that sort amounts to almost 99% of the cases. To fully know a person's intention is still beyond us in this era, perhaps is the reason why there still isn't the numbers to back it up yet.

But behind all the edges of these human mind games, at the core of it lies genuine learning. Of learning because of a reason ahead of all the abovementioned. Of knowing the purpose of being a student full time, of dedicating all these years for a cause, and the gravity of our own existence. In spite of knowing that accreditation is only half the picture on the outside. In knowing that on the real world outside clean solid knowledge is very hard to come by and fully appreciating them being served on a silver platter to us now, that learning is a personal responsibility to ourselves. Not for the grades, not for the money, not for the fame, the favouritism or pride. But for the spirit. To fill up our born empty brains with real gold.

That is it. That really is.

Today I went to class, an evening class and being obviously drained. The lecturer I respect was covering all the fundamentals of the subject hes teaching and I couldn't really follow his lesson because my mind was on something else. I could say it's just the unnatural me that's less cautious and more open, and he was asking all the silly questions we don't ask why instead just follow the past on how. Which interestingly actually makes us think. And gradually I start responding to him in a different way that the whole normal population of the class does. I was actually actively participating in his topic with intellectual responses.

That is I realised, the real justification I seek out when I go to school. And it amazes me everyday.

Cats, Cats and Girls

2010-11-27T16:54:00.006+08:00

How To Use A Cat To Attract A Woman

from: http://www.buzzle.com/articles/how-to-use-cat-attract-woman.html
add: fat cat picture (here)

Attention to all desperate men out there.
Are you having trouble attracting women in your sexual life? Then go buy a cat! Cats are known to be extremely smart animals. They are known to drive all the negative energy away, they are very clean, sensitive, independent and of course they can help you impress most women.

Recent surveys proved that men who love animals, especially cats and men who own a cat have more chances on getting a date. A leading United Kingdom animal welfare society surveyed thousands of women and guess what! An astonishing 90% of them said that men who love and own a cat are more sensitive and more nice than the men who don't have cats.

Maybe these women thought that if a man cares about his kitties then chances are that he will care for a woman and for children. Women see cats as children or babies while men see cats as friends. Women clearly stated they could be easily attracted to such a sensitive and caring man. That is a good reason why you should go out and get a cat. They are real female magnets!

Just don't forget that in order to get a cat you must be a pet lover and really know how to treat the animal right. If you don't like animals then you'd better not try this. For example a lot of people are allergic to cats. Others just can't train their cats. Don't just get a cat if you are unsure how to train her.

But if you are a pet lover and desperate about attracting women then use your cat. Train your cat so that he/she behaves well. Then invite a woman to your place for dinner or a coffee. Clean your apartment or house, cook some dinner if possible. Put your dating skills in action too. Any woman would be impressed.

If you are a cat owner then maybe you need to take a look at this guide about cat training and if you need more help to attract woman then i recommend taking advice from a woman! Here's a woman seducing guide that will teach you how to attract women and make them beg for your phone number.

I happen to stumble upon this article on the Internet and this confirms what I've long suspected: that there is some special connection between cats and girls.

My soft spot for cats is no secret to those around me. Often when a cat appear I would try to interact with it, often too without any decent level of success. To me cats are creatures which are very concern about their own cleanliness. On top of that, I am also fascinated by them because they have this particular nature about them which, in my own words, proud yet unbothered about what others think about them. Also, they are very delicate and the way their carry themselves is as if it's heavier than their own weight.

In many ways girls are somewhat quite like that. Though I don't know exactly how's that so haha. Maybe someone can enlighten me on that one day.

Some of my guys friends thinks I'm nuts when I tell them I like cats. (You know the other name for cat also carry the other meaning which refers to the female body part their counterpart loves so much.)(Seriously, what's wrong with people nowadays?) Facing a dilemma to choose between my own stand or these so-called cool friends, I kept my distance from them.

After all, nobody knows the true depth of my own things other than myself.

And the coolest part about this whole article? My ex-girlfriend is a cat too hahahhaha. Meow! Rawr. claw.

P/s: this entry with regards to the previous entry: it's not hypocrisy. Let's just say attracting girls (at this point of time at lease) comes second to the beautiful image of cats I've got from my previous relationship. This two in one is just like two sides of the same story.

Persuing Girls is not worth the price we pay for it

2010-11-25T02:22:00.003+08:00

I've got a new stance. The signs were there all along and I've just realised it only now.

It seems that behind all this clouded shit, the reality is guys don't need girls as much a s girls need guys.

Most girls inside are a bunch of clingers and emotionally insecure and most find security from guys. Guys find reasons to have girls around them, among others are for physical pleasure, for egoistic and pride purposes, for a different kind of companionship and for the holiest of holy kind of guys like me (lol), they provide a touch of softness that compliments our rough nature.

And the truth is that only a minority of guys really realise that. The majority of this minority decides that they would prefer to have a girl around them and a the ideology that guys with girls around them are cooler. And the majority of the other dumb guys follow it simply because the others said it's so and hence it's right.

Yes, it's true guys with girls around them are more highly looked upon, but what most don't sufficiently realise is the importance of girls to guys of their most fundamental nature have been blown way out of proportion in todays society.

I think girls is a big threat to guys of this modern society because guys spend more time, effort and money at chasing girls instead of chasing their own real needs. Like living up their own purpose in this Godblessed life. Guys nowadays spend too much time being obsessed with this girl frenzy unbeknown at the expense of their own growth. Worse miss that most would never realise is the loss of promise and potential they were so close to when they decided girls are more important.

I'm not saying girls are totally redundant and troublesome, they are not because they are also very independent and very capable of reaching their own high heights. I'm just saying guys are better equipped to soar high too, and this advantage is being thrown away for girls.

The way I see it, girls are insecure inside and they find solace from guys. Guys wants them too for all the short term entertainment and so forth. But comparatively guys don't need girls as much as girls need guys. Before anyone gets me wrong, I look highly to all my female friends for being able to carry their own weight in this modern world, but the real target of this article is actually love. Emotional commitment from guy to girl. That for the most part is a hazard to our own self.

Yes, having a wife/girlfriend who understands us well is without doubt a huge bonus, but the effort required to last the race in finding them is not worth it in the long run in the big picture. I think it's a better bet to just chase our own potential and with a touch of sweet luck we'll find them somewhere along the journey. That sounds so much better as it's killing two birds with one stone at success, whereas the other is achieving no bird killed with one stone at failure. All the resources spent is wasted to the max.

Just an opinion.

As for myself, I believe I have an advantage when it comes to understanding girls from my soft (and sometimes quite feminist) nature, so pursuing girls in my opinion is not worth the price we pay for it.

2010-11-25T00:52:00.003+08:00

I just thought of this new something about like 10 seconds ago.

Sometimes at some point of our life we might feel our life is somewhat distorted. Things are going OK but not well, and we wonder why is it all happening this way. Distorted, off by an angle. If left uncorrected it will remain this way for all that time ever cares.

I feel like that now. Like the people I have around me now is just substandard of what I should be entitled to by now, the things I do everyday now is just a shadow of my past life, even my own mind is feeling sick by its own standards.

Then I thought I might have found the solution. Odd as it seems, perhaps all it takes is just one activity to trigger a chain reaction of wholesome correction. Some might find it in going clubbing, some going for religious meet ups etc. but for me I think mine's playing field soccer.

I happen to read somewhere that team sports builds cooperation, and field soccer is that to me. Maybe I've been living a solitary and selfish life for long enough, and this is the one thing that will grease all the sharp edges in my current life. So abstract but yeah.

I should go and get my ass running on the field soon.

When Results Comes Out. It's that time again.

2010-11-20T01:41:00.002+08:00

I just saw my previous semester results and quite simply, it's just not pleasing to my own eyes.

Maybe my standards are too high? Not maybe. With my education background from Singapore it should have been waterproofed but things don't always work that way does it.

Maybe I've spent too little hours studying? Absolutely not, but I could still increase the hours spent studying.

Maybe it's my learning ability, abit slow like shit and I will always and forever need adaptation time to any new environment? Perhap. But that is not a valid excuse to me for me to justify any shortcomings as far as I'm concern.

Or maybe they are new areas I am still unfamiliar with and needs polishing up my skills at? Such as bootlickin' or teacher's favoritism and all that. Maybe. Definitely useful at times but not entirely reliable as a primary strength in the big picture.

They say the mix between an optimist and a pessimist is a realist. Like how (a-) + (a+) = 0

Truth be told sometimes I think I just set my goals too high from biased observation and unreal expectations. When a person can decide what he wants to think why wouldn't he think of all the good things all the time( if he had such strong faith and belief, and no fear in him?). As I'm reminded time and time again, expecting unrealistically high up often have two major negative side effects.

1. we are reminded consistently every now and then about this thing called depression. when we didn't hit our unrealistically high expectations.
2. we forget about the actual value of our achievements, how far albeit marginally better than other we are. we choose to forget that.

Rant over.

All in all I just have got one thing to say to my self in preparation for next semester.

Study harder, study smart. Jordan.

Another one bites the dust. RiP Val.

2010-11-18T18:59:00.003+08:00

I can't stop wondering why would a person commit suicide. Was it her life that she couldn't stand anymore? About the 3/4 years old baby or the boyfriend/husband?. She's only 22 this year, just like me. Was it her family pressure from maintaining their reputation? Was there internal politics that crossed over her lines?

This is about a friend of mine. She's from my time at Singapore Polytechnic and although totally worlds apart in everything, we were for a short time period close during our weekly once gems class about 2 years back. She's hot, had beautiful eyes and a beautiful body, nice personality and a classy background. She was a Kawasaki bike rider too and a regular club goer. The girl many wish they are, living an almost complete life.

And then from nowhere she took her own life.

I didn't ask about the details regarding it out of respect and so I can only imagine.

One night after another all-too-regular heated spark she question her existence in this world, the past, present and the future. She thought about her 3 year old daughter and cried. She knows what naive means but it means nothing.

She whispered in her thoughts and ask the little girl for forgiveness. She decided she's no longer approaching anything more in the future, but instead is way past many things for so long. It's long overdue. The more she thinks of it, the more she gets a headache and a heart ache. She cries. She commits suicide, the slow way.

Closing her eyes for the one last time half hoping it will be permanent darkness now.

the next person that meets her came just a little too late.

I just made that up. That's what I imagined.

I'm still finding it hard to comprehend a loss like that. I know I didn't really know her and the smile she had on her face back then always reminds me she's out of my league, but me being myself every friend I have on Facebook are special to me. If they weren't they wouldn't still be there as I delete people regularly with a straight mind.

The one and only passing of person with significant concern in recent time is the late Joash, a person I really admire and look up upon. He went in a car accident and perhaps with 1 second's notice. Okay. Atlease he didn't feel the pain from the prospect of departure.

In this other friend's case however she have seen it coming all alone. For all the wonderful people she had around her, for all the pain she kept shielded inside from them. Noone really saw it coming, because if they had somebody, anybody, lending her a helping hand could have change the outcome. But no it didn't. She's gone and she's not coming back anymore. No more follow ups, no more post-event stories. Nothing.

If I could contact with her in whatever state she is in right now and talk to her and then turn back time to change the chain of events, I would. I really would. There is a part of me, even though I don't know it very well yet but still know exist that hopes to never see any bad things happen to all the people I care about. Family and friends alike, the people I chose to have around me. When she left, she leave me feeling so hopelessly useless, sad and disappointed in letting down. If only.

I want to make real a promise I want to make to myself from now on. That I will never let( at my capabilies) be down again, facing a dark future. I will be there for you. I always have been, but I just want you to know that if you have any problem do consider talking to me as an option for salvation. For your sake, for mine, for ours.

As I wrote on facebook, for all those who have fallen prematurely before start living life, they're gone. They might exist forever in our memories. They are also the reason we have to keep living life, keep waking up tomorrow and keep pushing life to it's fullest never to even consider giving up, to keep existing. Even if noone knows or noone longer cares, for their sake if not ours we must.

Valerie, rest in peace. I hope peace is upon you I really do.

Family Affair

2010-11-15T21:00:00.002+08:00

I've always believed that in another life if my mother had another my father, things would have been very different. For the better.

All these years I've watched him, the only one consistent thing I see is disappointment instilled in others. I've done my time with learning about disappointment and all in all it is actually a small thing. We just need the character to pull ourselves back up when we find shit being thrown at us. But my observation in recent years seems to suggest my father himself have slowly given up in not being disappointing already. Nothing personal, it's just the truth.

I was talking to my brother just now when things got a little heated up and words said got misinterpreted and all that, it happens, but later on he pointed out a secret, something that I've not been aware of until now. That during the time I was in Singapore (with my sister) we left him alone at home and in the absence of his two elder siblings all he had was his father and mother. My mother, the sole breadwinner of the family works 5 days a week from sunrise to sunset for the past 20 years or less, and when she's not working she's doing her part at making sure we all eat and have a clean house to stay and good cloths to put on. If anything, she have always been putting in 150%. My father on the other hand. I don't know. He stopped talking to my mother since 10 years now. Stopped talking to my sister ever since she left home and occasionally my brother will try to talk to him. I. I don't talk to him.

My brother mentioned he had his dark times when both me and my sister left home. True, he was finding it hard to cope with noone proper to talk to on top of also having his O levels to prepare. He mentioned during then when the going got though both my father and mother gave up on him and in the total darkness he found hope from in himself. Which is from the religion actually. I feel bad for being absent during then but the fact is I had to live my own life too.

Maybe he blames them both equally for giving up hope on him, but putting his character and personality into understanding the equation- him being more of a self centered and demanding person than I am-, I understand that he sees the problem less to do with why my parents behaved like that. I understand better, atlease for of one of them, which is my mother. I understand the weight she carries on her shoulder in keeping the family running. She's basically the breadwinner, the organizer, the home keeper, the family cook and the mother. More than deserve it. She too is the family chain, keeping us 5 under one roof as a family. I think without her I'd just bring my sister and brother and exit this family, if it wasn't because of my mum. My mum is the one person I've my whole life to thank, it's as simple as that.

Sometimes I wonder maybe my parental side grandfather's passing had in some way affected my father's will to live. I wonder maybe since grandfather's passing about a year ago, my father have lost the one, only and last thing there is to him to look forward to. Maybe. Maybe he had end up thinking " wtf I've nothing much to live for so wtf la " or something. Maybe I'm wrong to say that but he certainly didn't show any proof of dispelling that either. Whichever which, it's only for the other 4 of us to suffer from more.

And in digging deeper the more shit that have been concealed in this family are exposed.

Once my brother told me he had a dispute with my father over who drives the car when the whole family is present. In theory and all normality the son would drive as to take over the burden and responsibility and finally give the father a rest. But clearly not here. My father argued and (I assuming forcefully using his temper to win disagreements,) my brother conceded. That is just the scenario. It doesn't take a genius to guess the reason.

I'm no genius but I figured the reason is because being the family driver is his last and only purpose to the family, if he stop being useful to the family then he would have no purpose already and it's just a matter of time before my mother got rid of him too. Doesn't sound so nice, eh?

All in all, I'm just trying to get my focus straight again after arguing with my brother. He called my worse of all, but I think not.

Mental Illness

2010-11-13T18:17:00.005+08:00

The problem with society is at the face of it everything seems to be easy, good and fine. But once you go dig deeper all the shit is spew out like there's no tomorrow, like everyday yesterday was a joke and you wonder how did it all even came to this.

The irony is that when one lives in oblivion people say he doesn't know what he's doing, yet when he cares and wants to give a shit people will say there are things he shouldn't have asked about. So how?

And it's all these same people which makes our society today.

Don't worry about it. Everything is just normal you just need to learn to close your eyes to the shit you don't want to see. At times like this when people disappoints over and over I remind myself that living a solitary life is the only way to stay afloat sanely.

A Dream About A Surprise

2010-11-10T03:51:00.003+08:00

Here we go again.

Last night I had a dream.

(this is the part where you know you can expect to get excited because like it always is, even I'm excited having haven't wrote anything out yet!)

I was living in my house in Singapore (which factually is located in Malaysia) and it's a private unit in a condo and it was nighttime when the reality settled in, that I've for some unconventional reason got expelled from my home. Which is to say, I'm officially homeless for good. And strangely also always on the move because I'm partially hunted and wanted.

Then came in the other side of the story. I met this other girl who also have just been kicked out of her nice condo house, is on the move and is also homeless just like me. From one trouble, now it's double the trouble. How nice.

And the two of us being in exactly the same sort of shit understand mutually without even mentioning that we both need each other now more than anyone else, ever. She stayed by my side as I stay by her as we try to sort our own mess.

Without much discussion, chemistry builds, trust builds and a future builds all by itself. She didn't even ask me or needed to be my girlfriend, but we both know this new relationship we have is even more beautiful than half of the people who claims to be in a relationship are having.

She by my side knowing me knowing her knowing it, we both know no matter what difficulty is thrown at us with each other we have a brighter future together.

What a random dream. They say when two people finds themselves in a similar dilemma they would understand each other better, it seems this dream is what that is. Only with a little more twist and turn like always from Jordan.

The Chains From The Reality And The Dream Drags Me To Forward

2010-11-05T00:51:00.003+08:00

Initially I contemplated about writing this but then I've decided to go ahead because I've been thinking about someone and hopefully I'll be seeing again soon.

Last night I had this short dream about my mom. In it my family and I were at our house dining area and the time's about 12.30am on some weekday, when out of the blues like he always do my brother asked " How bout we go eat some chaR Kuey teoW now?". I dismissed it as one of those "guarantee fail" type of questions but to my astonishment my mom agreed. She said "OK but lets make it fast because I need to sleep (tomorrow got work)". (SHE REALLY DID! Ok atlease in my dream she did. )

Then a mosquito decided to fly around my cheek and in slapping it I've slapped myself awake. Damn it.

I went to watch some football and only went to bed again when the sun started rising. In it I had another dream about a friend (heh) of mine who found a new boy friend, albeit a Malay one.

Later in the day I went and told her about it because even though it felt really weird, random and totally unnecessary, I just felt I needed to. So I told her. Somewhere along the line later she mentioned something which I new to: that by popular belief a dream is the opposite of what there is to be in reality.

Perhaps.

But I've always believed strongly in just the opposite. That a dream is a visual glimpse of the future, a full scale pre-run of might be by a concept new to us, often when we are still testing it as an answer for a solution of a problem. Which simply means it is seeing the future and paving our present towards it if we like it. That is what most dreams are to me, either when I go to bed with a problem knowing I can find the solution in it or just random dreams.

During then I didn't noticed much about it as I was concentrating more on the person and made nothing about it and went about doing life as per normal.

A few hours later in the night I realised that my mother was unusually late to come home today, so I called to ask her about it. I later found out that her daily feeder bus service had ended early today because of some celebration tomorrow( you know Malaysians just love holidays?), she couldn't come back and the whole family went to pick her up. Somehow since we are already on the road we went to an foodcourt we rarely frequent and guess what. That place, it is a food heaven. Not that I didn't know. One of the more popular food they serve there is char kuey teow.

Upon reaching my mother told me to go get some lao shi fan while she'll go and get some CKT. My brother added "No, that shop CKT no so nice, you must try the otheR shop's CKT. Okay. I told her to get one for me too, I could do with one myself too.

There we were eating dinner and as I chomp down mine I watch her eat her char kuey teow. I got a weird feeling of seeing this before.. Hmm. The kuey teow is quite nice too.

I realised I didn't do much, if any (beside by simply being present) in contributing the night to end around some char kuey teow, but that's how it is. What I do know is I had a dream last night about being in the exact scenario. I believe there's a deeper reasoning to it, although like everyone I'll take the easy way out, for now.

It must be just coincidental I suppose.

What is this Biotropics Nu-Prep thing?

2010-11-03T23:44:00.003+08:00

Quite about three weeks ago I thought to myself, in preparation for the upcoming ZoukOut event I will be going to I need to beef up. Or at lease do some shit so that I feel at my physical prime you know.

They say at this age I'm entering in it's the physical peak in a man's life, perhaps. I myself too used to be a physical freak but finding it too resources consuming I've decided I'll keep the best when a situation calls for it. A case like now, for Zoukout.

All in all it basically means I need supplements to kick start my physical growth. Add to that a disciplined and strict daily exercise routine and I'm quite there. It is that simple, it's actually not rocket science like most make believe.

I was planning to get some supplements from all those organic gay shops whos product comes in not amusingly big gay round containers each which cost easily up to RM 200 or so. Not cheap, not quite affordable by any means but believing in my purpose strong enough I've decided to get it.

Until one fine day when on my way back to school while in the school's feeder bus, as the radio was playing it's normal evening show and had it's normal sms lucky contest prize giveaway thing, that I struck lucky.

A 1% real ( just barely enough) and 99% hopeful solitary sms through to the number as I thought I've heard it was what it was. A moment of nothingness went by side along side with a optimistic Jordan playing games with his mind when suddenly the phone rang. I've got it!

Haha.

Alright alright. I went to collect the prize later on and to my amazement it's what it is. A few stuff and 3 bottles of tongkat ali capsules. I know before you start thinking what you're gonna think about it, I'll just say it: I think it is what it is. So to put things back into perspective let's just say of the three bottles, I definitely could do without one for now, least till I get married hahhahaha.

The other two bottles are basically the same thing: this-

Biotropics's Nu Maxx

As the information on the label itself is not quite specific and informative I've went and check their website about it.

General Information

Nu Maxx™ contains extract of Tongkat Ali (Eurycoma longifolia), Smilax calophylla and Prismatomeris glabra. The synergistic effects of these active ingredients promote masculine vitality and overall well being. It is a non-stimulant. Nu Maxx is suitable for adult men.

Dosage
1 - 2 capsules per day.

Active Ingredients
Each 350mg vegetable capsule contains:
Radix Eurycoma longifolia 20mg
Smilax calophylla 15mg
Prismatomeris glabra 15mg

Indication
Traditionally used to improve health and vitality.

Storage
Store in a cool, dry place. Keep out reach of children.

Recommended Retail Price
RM 97.60 per bottle (60 vegetable capsules)

All of which basically is " The synergistic effects of these active ingredients promote masculine vitality and overall well being. It is a non-stimulant. Nu Maxx is suitable for adult men."

which since adjectives and subjective for a person like me, means nothing really. What load of trash.

So what now?

Well the only other realistic way I can think of is by simply being practical. Yeah I'll go get a male hamster and stuff this stuff down his throat or something. Might want to size down the dosage accordingly according to the recommended dosage on their webpage and also get another friendly hammie to be the control subject. And feed the fellas everyday for a whole month and monitor any changes and also perhaps get a second set to produce a more reliable results as how we are thought to practice in our Civil engineering field.

Or I could just take it myself and see what goes. I think I like that better because it sounds much easier.

So yeah. A pill a day and wait and see. Will update the blog from time to time about this. Also, can't help but feel that for all those bloggers doing paid advatorials, those are nothing. Mine is advartorials plus the real thing without money haha.

Thinking have always been my longest part-time job

2010-11-01T01:25:00.004+08:00

Sometimes I think I'm over-complicating my already complicated life with all this thinking. But like a person who have a religion, I too have very strong faith in myself that one hard day today of now will make one better day of tomorrow, later.

If by any call of fate my life would end prematurely, all of it would have gone to waste but I can take consolation in knowing I wouldn't even know. Cool yeah?

Some people thinks that since tomorrow is uncertain why spend today's resources for uncertainty. True, in going with that thinking also gone is hope, the walking dream. To me, a person without hope and a dream doesn't deserve a future, more like meaning in living in the past they should just stop living. In reality everyone have a dream, it's just a matter of what size it is in comparison to everyone's.

A flashback to share- when I was younger during my early primary school days I would spend my time sitting on the table and just look into the thin air. According to my parents, that's what I do all the time. I don't quite remember about it but I believe my mind have been developing ever since young. Gradually school became tougher and required more attention till there's no more to give. A childhood state halted for 10 long years before I rediscover it once again after my O'levels.

I also think I've found another link between the growth of myself attributed to my family background. For the past forever that I can ever remember, my mother have been working as an accountant at a well off private construction company. The hours committed are long but what's more impressive is the years committed to that hours which is even longer. She's been working there forever, literally and she enjoys it.

I've often believed the main reason she wakes herself up 5.30am every morning and bring herself to work is in knowing every one hard day she goes through is every one less hard day each of her three kids will have to go through in their later life. Maybe true; I have never known for sure because like me, my mum is very reserved at revealing her true principles of life.

The connection here is that she holds a faith in her and that faith alone keeps her going on and on, for the past 20 years. Of working from the end backwards and the front forwards simultaneously. Very wonderful stuff indeed. As for me I'm applying that lesson and taking it one step further by applying it in life not just in work for family.

Everyday spent thinking about the tackling the future brings me one step closer to something, something I haven't found out yet even now. Isn't this what faith is about?

Socializing but not Befriending

2010-11-01T00:56:00.003+08:00

I've this principle recently made stronger than ever before about socializing with people.

First and foremost I understand the importance of being sociable and easy-mixing in the society we live today. Simply put, with mouth alone nowadays we can talk our way up and similarly, without talking we can be stuck down forever, almost. Talking itself is a very valuable skill of survival.

Here's the part where it gets interesting.

The general understanding is by talking we make more friends, and perhaps the opposite too when we make friends and talk to them we improve our social skills. However, the way I see it socializing and making friends/collecting contacts are two totally separate things altogether. In most cases a person's need for talking is the lead reason why conversation happens and it leads to knowing more people, and more talking. And collecting friend.

For a person like me however whos nature is actually quite introverted, I don't fancy regular blank talking. Which basically is talking about stuff that goes nowhere all for the sake of talking. Like spending 30 days talking about all the things we talk in 1 day x 30 times. That pretty much is what it is. The way I see it, it's just disgusting.

I enjoy talking about things which is progressive, be it getting to know someone, getting to understand something or simply building chemistry. I like talking to new people indeed. But I am not quite that lenient at introducing new friends into my life.

To like talking and meeting new people, but to not like becoming friends with them is the tricky thing, quite like bending nature's law. How do a person talks to everyone like their long lost brother yet thinks of almost no one? I think I'm that. I also think this is the result of me playing the game of life always at a step ahead. Despite what I do, I have a mindset which always pushes for greater personal learning. Instead of waiting for experience to teach, I try to forsee it, prepare for it and make the best use of the situation when the "opportunity for gaining experience" comes knocking. Pretty much like what we do in secondary school at reading up the whole textbook over and over to prepare for whatever the exam can throw at us, just at a bigger scale. Isn't learning what we aim to do when in school? Of regardless of where you start,it's in know about how it's gonna finish and in paving our unique path to there.

Also, I don't know where is this all heading but I'm confident I'll be able to handle whatever is thrown back at me for embracing this choice of life. In a way perhaps this is what society have made me.

So the next time we talk, don't think too much about this. I've done the thinking so just enjoy the ride. And if things doesn't turn out the way you thought it would be, don't take it personally. I'll take the blame I really do.

With every new entry about decoding myself I find myself one step closer at solving the mystery, and to watch as more of the mystery appear.

2010-10-26T03:10:00.002+08:00

For the upcoming semester break I've decided I'll spend time to redo this blog. I want to change it from a online media hub into a living autobiography of myself.

In Telling Myself that There's No Greener Than Here

2010-10-23T21:05:00.003+08:00

It seems a person is more interesting when they are still quite a stranger to me. Often when meeting new people be it real life or online, I'm more excited when I'm still new to them. When more of what I make of them are prospect rather than actual facts.

A girl can be the shiniest diamond when I first know her but as time and reality sets in the crudeness on it's surface starts to appear. A girl can be the brightest star in the dark sky but upon closer examination it too is filled with craters.

Mixing with many of both I know well enough it's not the case with guys.

I want to believe it's just me but the truth is that the root of the problem goes deeper than that. It's a matter of trust. A matter of trusting the person, waiting and believing that they have more to offer with patience in time but that's just exactly what I've become. I've become the absolute opposite of that.

It seems ever since that I've lost that side of me I once was. The patience and the calm believe have deserted me. I no longer trust the future being brighter on it's own. Perhaps I've started to focus my effort (correctly) on the present more than in the future.

Maybe it's just my this age which I've pointed many times where we should step up from the passenger to the driver and take control of our life. Maybe it's the change of environment after being away for so long. Maybe it's a lesson I've picked up from Singapore, a lesson that means fast paced.

Maybe it's because of the broken trust in hope I once live my life by.

Either way there's no looking back now. I just don't look back at things and this is one of them. One day when life ends maybe they'll say why.

My Life's a Contradiction To Myself

2010-10-23T20:51:00.003+08:00

Sometimes this blog goes for many long days without a hint of any activity when my mind's in the rare occasion is set thinking crystal clear. Sometimes I write things which I don't like and either delete it or quickly overlap it with a newer post.

One some rare occasion I'll find myself wanting to write something on the blog but wouldn't because my logic tells me my effort and time should be reserved/spent on other more important things of that moment.

Like sleeping. Like studying. When there's an exam tomorrow afternoon and it's 4am in the morning. Like in a world filled with badness that my bad is less bad than your bad.

Sometimes I feel I'm a good example of a person living a life filled with internal politics and contractions. Is it a good or a bad thing? Time will tell.

If it's true that value comes from scarcity

2010-10-22T15:29:00.001+08:00

Then I shouldn't be going home much anymore.

If You Think You Have A Brain, Then Use It

2010-10-21T23:51:00.004+08:00

On Monday morning I left a random How are you message on Sara's wall and thinking that must have been the best damn thing I've done all week, to put a smile onto someone's face in the midst of the all too common monday blues. I knew I could expect a reply not only before the end of the day but a matter of how soon.

The day ended and a new day came and no reply.

I realised later she said just last week she was off to Chiangmai for a week. Heh. Lovely.

Although knowing this unlike most people I didn't go and rectify the situation by correcting myself, instead I waited and waited. For nothing, really.

The usual -I can think of 1001 reasons why did I rectify it since I knew about it- just wasn't ever going to happen.

This morning half asleep I had found an alternative ending. Sara, all yours to find out.

It's amazing how despite the common knowledge that our brains are only working at 5% capacity when we are awake ( or 2000% capacity when we are asleep), we never really utilize that knowledge and try to bend it to our favour. Maybe in the future we would see applications of that but for now, bring puzzles to sleep seems a revolutionary way to reach out for new things.

And as always, I didn't have a clue what I was doing when I started doing it, realised it only after its done. Amazing.

I Will Take My Shame To The Grave

2010-10-16T02:35:00.003+08:00

My current personality state of being able to genuinely laugh with you one week, and completely ignore you as if we'd just broke up and moved on the next week would lead many people to believe that I'm a many face faker.

Guess what, the truth is it's actually that's quite true. Many face yes, faker not really. Maybe I am but if so I've gotta be damn good at it. And more importantly decoding this kind of "product" goes far deeper than many would have imagined.

A twisted mind I may have, perhaps often tells twisted stories.

I've always believed that the best state a person could be, and I myself want to be, is by being a person who plays one card at a time but have many cards to play with, every time. He have the option to fully dictate what card to play according to his assessment of the situation with regards to his motives, or in higher terms, manipulate the circumstances for it to adjust any situation he face to his favour. All the time.

Like having a gun with 200 types of bullets. Why this over the other? Because I like and I can.

Coming back to this situation which is just another example of how I'm doing in life, I may have many faces and I may be able to choose my cards. Many will conclude people like this are just fakers, wannabes that fall short. Well guess what, faker I am but fall short I am not. When fakers are defined as one with many but incomplete personalities, I may have done enough to "fake" it long enough for me to maintain my cards.

The truth is that, I am not a faker. I'm just multi-faced. My real personality is being multi faced and through effort and experience I've collected the tools to execute it. In my own ways, I'm being true a person, just a true as everyone else are, albeit also in my own ways.. somewhat different.

And I like it when people think lowly of me because they killed their own expectations of any fightback without me even doing anything yet.

This learning is still far from over but the first step is always the hardest and in doing one I've got the ball rolling.

My Hostel Taught Me A Lesson

2010-10-16T01:28:00.003+08:00

I was talking to my neighbour next door and he told me lots of stuff that merited a place on this blog.

Basically I'm just very lucky to have moved in into the circumstances I am in.

Before me there's another Arab guy and he's bad.

His leaving opened the door for my place into this existence here.

The way the hostel goes, single room is only about 1/4 of the whole block and I've got a single room. Could consider myself very lucky already.

And on top of that each floor have one CCTV monitoring the whole floor and with the two behind the scene stairways the CCTV which is situated to watch the main corridor with the lift is only in my opinion, half efficient. My room is located directly in front of it, no chance of anything going through my door without being seen by it.

Very safe relatively compared to others.

And the timing is also good. I came in in June, when just barely half a year ago break ins and theft is a very common occurrence in this block. During it's peak time, as many as 6 laptops got stolen in just one day from break ins. Informing the authorities and police also almost always ends up fruitless.

It got so bad that the school finally upped the whole block's security. Multiple security guard are hired to keep the main, one and only entrance always alive. And they installed CCTV. And they implemented the thumbprint id access. No wanders why the backyard of the block is fenced up with military barbed wires as if keeping the prisoners in.

Safe is not a bigger word when thrown in the face of danger.

He also highlighted that for our corner here, we all know each other very well and most importantly, communicate as a community. We watch over each others back and check upon each other to ensure everything is right.

All of that combined made me feel very lucky indeed.

Especially considering the fact that just barely one month ago as I was contemplating moving out to the new condominium just at the other end of school, I weight both option and concluded they are both equal. How wrong I was. How naive I was.

I had set my mind onto it for a great time and despite all the failings I had push hard enough to live through the difficulties. At the final moment I had the opportunity calling at me I had a gut feeling that somethings odd. I almost went ahead had it not be for the fact that I didn't have my personal funding available which shifted the balance. Despite the unfamiliarity and embarrassment of being labeled "the talk so much but no action type of person" I told the guys I wanted out at the 11th hour. They didn't take it smoothly but life still went on.

Now it doesn't sound like a big matter but the reason the odds are really big is because on top of the hostel being whatever it is, through experience I reckon the condo will be the center for many problems.

For one, it doesn't have a central system to govern the behavior of the tenants. At the hostel we don't go around fighting and spray painting someone elses door because we believe that the school will get us. We trust that there's a system, a higher authority, which makes consideration of our action worthwhile.

At the new condominium I expect to see civilized people degenerate to standards lower than before having moved (ironic isn't it?) simply because of the absence of a higher power. Yes the condo stated well enough that it comes with 24/7 security guard, but at best they are there to keep outsiders out. The real problem is from the inside. They are not there to maintain harmony or peace, even if they could they wouldn't. why would they? they are working not doing charity by being angels. The real problem is the tenants themselves. Simple because they could.

Unfortunate to say, for those friends of mine who moved out en mass, they are those of you who could do well with little studying, but in not studying they are influencing those not as gifted and in doing so, dragging them down. Like an anchor into the open sea, it's a matter of how much, how fast it sinks.

Guys being guys, given a environment where they have liberty from parental watch, finance, space, time, opportunity and booze( and not to mention girls yet), why wouldn't they party all the time? They would. Maybe not literally, but studying goes down with the anchor all the way to the abyss too. It defeats the whole purpose of being in school altogether. Playing is fun but when without control, overplaying is destructive in many ways. For a person like me I wouldn't be able to live with that kind of guilt.

Maybe once yes but not twice, I've done my share in Singapore already.

Maybe I subconsciously saw that coming just before I moved in, maybe I didn't but I'm fortunate for the way things turned out for me.

Also through watching humans learning from experience for all of humanity ever existed, with no guidelines to follow, people will always make the same mistake every-single-time we throw them back to the start of a situation. If it was the same people they would learn, but in this case people here are all independent cases from those before and they will make the same mistakes (and subsequently learn - the hard way- from it) again. Learn once more, things my seniors and their seniors all have went through in the history of this hostel. Things like the theft and inadequate security just a year ago at my hostel.

That, they are going back to ice age again.

Back then they said the cause of the havoc are because of the huge population of locals here. Fair enough, the locals are always the more culpable ones because they have outside connections and greater knowledge of the know-hows. This semester the new rule being enforce is forcing a mass exodus of the locals. Meaning, we are (I think) heading into a new dawn again. Facing a new situation with no history to guide us and no old heads to lead us, I'm keeping my eyes open bigger now than ever, to be the first to notice any wave of change regarding this.

Towards the end of our conversation my neighbour, having just found out about my history of walking solo at Singapore for the past 4 years said, ( with some reference to himself having gone through a similar path of life too)- " We should know this better (of handling this situation) ".

He is damn right.

With great authority comes great responsibility. If authority of our own life comes from experience and experience comes from knowledge, at some point we would have learn enough and have to take full responsibility of our own life. I've just connected the dots and thought that up in the past few minutes but it boils down to the same fundamental principle of mine - that we can give reasons for being born imperfect but we cannot give excuses if we die imperfect.

The one thing I learn today is don't ever stop learning from others, be it your classmates, peers, compatitors or neighbours. Be it class lectures, gossips, news or past history. There's only so much one person can learn in his lifetime but if a person learns to utilize the summary of others learning then it would be.. more awesome ;)

A Spark of Life

2010-10-13T23:25:00.008+08:00

Was talking to a new friend and she reminded me of once upon a time.

* * *

Day turns to night, night eventually becomes day. The dog just never grows old, as though the people do. Everyone doing the same old thing everyday tomorrow's no different from yesterday, next week from last. Life's quite easy but even easy can lose its meaning from overexposure. Despite the past, the future is unclear as always.

Until one evening when a parcel came. The date was around 28 March 2006 the day a Wednesday. I remember very clearly. In it it says I've been accepted to go to Singapore (yay!)(but what's all the fuss about?)(what's Singapore anyway, beside a country?) It also states I should expect a follow up letter about further instructions in the next 30 days. Awesome. I've got 30 days to celebrate the news!

It came the next day. Alright. Nothing much to celebrate anyway. It was a Thursday.

And in it it states that school commences next week. And before I can join them, I need to get the official stuff done, among others a medical cert. Before Monday. Which means only on a Saturday half-day shot.

Which means we're leaving on Friday night, after mom come back from work. Which is actually about just exactly 24 hours when I realised it. How nice.

At that time I was so into Jem and in her debut album is a song called 24.

***

"24"

Been given 24 hours
To tie up loose ends
To make amends
His eyes said it all
I started to fall
And the silence deafened
Head spinning round
No time to sit down
Just wanted to
Run and run and run
Be careful they say
Don't wish life away,
Now I've one day

And I can't believe
How I've been wasting my time

In 24 hours they'll be
Laying flowers
On my life, it's over tonight
I'm not messing no I
Need your blessing
And your promise to live free
Please do it for me

Is there a heaven a hell
And will I come back
Who can tell
Now I can see
What matters to me
It's as clear as crystal
The places I've been
The people I've seen
Plans that I made
Start to fade
The sun's setting gold
Thought I would grow old,
It wasn't to be

And I can't believe
How I've been wasting my time

In 18 hours they'll be
Laying flowers
On my life, it's over tonight
I'm not messing no I
Need your blessing
And your promise to live free
Please do it for me

In 13 hours they'll be
Laying flowers
On my life, it's over tonight
I'm not messing no I
Need your blessing
And your promise to live free
Please do it for me

I'm not alone, I sense it, I sense it
All that I said, I meant it, I meant it

And I can't believe
How much I've wasted my time

In just 8 hours they'll be
Laying flowers
On my life, it's over tonight
I'm not messing no I
Need your blessing
And your promise to live free
Please do it for me

In just 1 hour they'll be
Laying flowers
On my life, it's over tonight
I'm not messing no I
Need your blessing
And your promise to live free
Please do it for me

***

I can't help but connect the similarities about her in that song with my situation.

" Been given 24 hours
To tie up loose ends
To make amends "

In 24 hours I'll have a total change in my life and given it's an advance notice I've got one day to prepare for it. To make this shit of my life into something workable, something to survive on once in Singapore.

" His eyes said it all
I started to fall
And the silence deafened "

My parents eyes shined in confidence and victory and I smiled along too, but inside I question the gravity of the situation. There is no turning back now. And no helping hand to make myself be heard.

" Head spinning round
No time to sit down
Just wanted to
Run and run and run
Be careful they say
Don't wish life away,
Now I've one day "

In the cyber cafe the next day with 12 hours gone I realised time is mercifully cruel. It doesn't slow down a pace no matter how much I regretted not treasuring my life up til yesterday. Even in hoping time would turn back, it cost time, time still went on. My clock is ticking down.

" And I can't believe
How I've been wasting my time

In 24 hours they'll be
Laying flowers
On my life, it's over tonight
I'm not messing no I
Need your blessing
And your promise to live free
Please do it for me "

The they and your here refers to myself. I need my own blessing to live my own life. I'm doing it for myself.

" Is there a heaven a hell
And will I come back
Who can tell
Now I can see
What matters to me
It's as clear as crystal
The places I've been
The people I've seen
Plans that I made
Start to fade
The sun's setting gold
Thought I would grow old,
It wasn't to be "

That's as straightforward as it gets.

The latter half of the song is a repetition of the chorus, each time the figure counts down from 24, to 18, 13, 8 and finally 1 hour. Knowing how this is gonna end is not one bit comforting either.

* * *

Having lived through that to called it experience, being forced out of the house then really has been that one life changing moment in my life.

Like a spark from nowhere, I now say that one spark has made me who I am today. Moving to Singapore I've experience an exponential growth - what I've learned in my first 2 years there is almost the same as what I've learned in 17 years prior to going there.

My O' levels result back then was shit so much so it's more amazing I've gotten a call up than had I not. Why, I never know. Had Singapore Poly did the more obvious thing I wouldn't be the person you know I am today.

My brother who took the same O levels late last year obtained a way better results but was denied a similar route. I consoled him by saying "life's a mystery for us to uncover, no two person's route is the same, else it wouldn't be a life" " I've found mine, now's your turn to find yours" even though inside I know it's called fake confidence. A scientific lie. Just what faith is all about.

The move cost my parents a great amount of money and I couldn't see why they'd chose it back then but now I do. For all the money in the bank account, if experience was on sale that was the price.

Like a coconut in its hard shell, once you break it you expose the inner white flower to the world and there's no going back. All it takes is that one knock on destiny to change fate.

This whole story to me is immortalized in Jem's 24.

Inversed.

2010-10-13T01:55:00.002+08:00

Ever since leaving Singapore for Malaysia things have taken a massive turn. I couldn't say I didn't half anticipate it but what use to be the relying now have become relied upon.

In Singapore I've always been second best, following, responding. Now here it's quite the opposite. People come up to me to ask for help with homework, class work, lectures etc. Even those 6 sems my senior.

The other part I've noticed is about stuff outside class. I've realise there's a growing amount of people relying on me, hanging around me, clinging on to me, even when I set my mind in living in solitude. It must be something about something which is here now, not having been here before.

This weird aura of attraction is very similar to the one Fiona had on me back then, where I was the metal and she the magnet. I can't help but notice the similarities. In her case the more she tried distancing herself from me, the more I wanted to come nearer to her. In my case, well lesson learned.

In trying to keep they away from me I know now I have to come closer but just enough to stay out of trouble. This must be the exact lesson Fiona faced back then when I was around her, but perhaps she didn't see it coming.

Now I feel on par with her image she'd left in me. We're even.

Unfortunately I'm still bad because the pain she'd left in me I'm now passing it upon others. In her words last time, she condemn guys. Me now, I condemn trust.

I Don't Want Money but I do need Money

2010-10-03T05:19:00.006+08:00

If I had the money, one of the few things I consider worthwhile spending it on is this.

The whole damn thing.

I happen to read one of it from the school's library and it took me awhile to realise I really liked it. Been searching google countless times for it before I manage to find it, with a think chunk of luck.

They say we don't realise the value of money until we start working and earning it ourselves and it's true. 8 months prior to continuing my degree here I've been managing my entire current account myself and it'd taught me a lot. The way I see it people nowadays have a tendency to spend unnecessarily on almost every possible thing but I'd distinguished myself from that.

In truth it's less to do with saving or financial constrain of any sort, but rather just a character trait I admire (which is naturally unnatural of me) and chose to pick up. I just can't stand wastage be it time, resources or just plain inefficiency.

I'd say money in general is limited and in deciding to use it to fund one thing means choosing it over another other options. By opting for a RM50 soccer ball I'm passing on a RM50 priced book. You get the point. To spend on something I always get myself to give a good reason to do so. If the reason is real good, the price at times could even "not" be a limitation. It's not about being thrifty but rather, not wasteful. Maybe this is the fundamental concept behind wise money management in which it's so much easier to understand by just telling " save, save, save money".

For me I haven't explored the skill of absolute money saving yet but I've been practicing avoiding wastage (of money) ever since I've started working one year ago.

And I want to get the books, waiting for when the time is right.

p/s: to those of you who took deeper notice of the title, give yourself some time to think it through first on a neutral perspective before comparing in any way. In any way. nobody have an upperhand against me in any way, simply because I chose to believe so the same way you do.

A Dream Like No Other

2010-09-30T17:23:00.003+08:00

I had a dream just the other night.

In it we the family ( can't remember biological family or close friends) were held captive by some bad guys and we're all sitting down and just chilling as we wait for time to go by. The typical image of kidnapping being so violent and panicky all that, it's just from the dramas, at lease that's what my dream says.

And so as about 5 of us sit waiting for nothing with about the same amount of kidnappers, I and they realized I've been exercising a lot lately and starting to feel physically at my best again. So they thought why not, in the meantime, play a game.

I thought too, why not. I like the idea of having games as time fillers, rather than just sit there and stone, eh.

So somehow they told me I've got a 10 minutes head start to run wherever I want ( in a world absent of any other human it seems) before they come get me. I ran up and over bridges, climbed poles and walls, over ledges and hopped from rooftop to rooftop, balconies to balconies.

Doing things I am confident I can do in real life but don't do because of the risk and consequences involved. I'm quite lightweight after all and it doesn't take much to break .. body parts.

Finally after about 1o minutes I realised this is the part where the real game starts.

Well, my logic tells me that for all the advantage in head starts, it means for nothing if the pursuer is faster than us - it only prolongs the inevitable.

By then I was inside a huge supermarket and since running according to the shelves sounds silly to me with such new found freedom, I just went up and over them, knocking them down in the process with great speed and swiftness. But even after all the mess I've made I knew it will mean for nothing because it only looks messy.

Sure enough the bad guys brought in their own catchers.

They are 5 human minds in gorilla bodies. Read that again if you will : Human Minds + Gorilla Bodies. Gorilla are said to be quite like human with bigger everything physically except the mind, and by mixing it both they've created the ultimate hunters. Everything a perfect soldier could ask for, plus a bonus 10% to their physical abilities. Who would have thought of that!

And sure enough they found me and brought me back in almost no time. Well again, no violence is involved, it's became a mutual understanding ".. that if you don't intend to run then we don't need to teach you and intimidate you not to. " (by violence that is). That's what it really is. We walked back in such peaceful and trustful manner that it's hard to believe it's actually all a kidnapping going right.

And amazingly of the 5 human-minds-in-gorilla-body hunters, only one of them, the leader, are from the kidnappers side. The other 4 are actually my family members back home mind working these gorillas remotely, like what's that movie called again? Surrogates. Human minds in remotely controlled hosts. They thought they'd joined in too because it's not fun missing out on the fun since we're all quite free, you know. They thought it's funnY sia. Hah.

So as I was walking back I noticed one of the unmasked gorillas who by then is in human form again, was actually a girl I've been seeing a lot lately from school.

And we fell in love on the way back.

p/s: I was going to bed when I realised I just had to write this down even it meant little because stories like this are hard to come by.

And the exercising a lot lately part and the see the girl from school a lot part are both real.

Jordan

2010-09-28T17:42:00.003+08:00

There's this one guy whom entered my life sometime ago, sharing the exact same name as another guy I despise since back in the poly days.

The original guy is IMO noisy, an absolute attention seeker and a dumb empty vessel, a side he'd revealed when he leaked out more truth about himself than he should have. That's gone but the lesson lasts, that a proper conversationalist needs to understand the value of silences in conversation too.

Anyway with one gone the legacy lives on and the other innocent guy is the unfortunate victim to me hahaha.

I can remember when he first exist into my life I've made up my mind that since I don't like his name ( and his appearance and impressions fits very closely to the negative stereotyped image of Malaysians in Singapore), I don't want to know him. Talk about active disinterest. About personal level discrimination.

I'm not so pure after all it seems.

I think the way society works though I don't like it, the exploiter is a always exploiting the exploited. When given a chance to -something negative- , people will.

Society have made us this way. Before anyone tell me I don't have to follow it because.. , well you're right, I don't have to. I just want, I enjoy.

People like me are those who gives other people both a better day and a worse day. The ability to do something does make doing it compulsory by any means, but it does gives us the option to do so when we wish.