How Much Do You Miss A Girl?

I had a dream last night. Prepare for more wild imaginations.

In the dream, it was the future. A few years have passed and I still feel young at heart but around me, my mother is old and my family have moved on.

Me and her, we, we are at my wedding. I've got the perfect wedding: the nice bride, the complete wedding and no problems occupying my brain. To most people its the ideal situation where they wish would last forever and everything will be perfect. For me, as always, it's not what it seems.

At the very last minute before the officializing of the ceremony, I did what I knew I had to do. I called off the wedding despite everyone in totally joyful mood. The reason? Because I couldn't face the fact that if I were to continue and be married with the bride, Mirja would be out of my life already. She wouldn't have a chance, all the slightest possibility of having her forever would be gone and died and dead with her.

In other words, I cancelled the wedding because I didn't want to kill that small small hope I have left in me to have her.

My mother who have been working so hard for us kids and me ever since before we were born, she took it gracefully and totally understood my decision and was fully supportive. I heavy heartedly moved on and accept my own decision as the right move.

Many more years have passed and again the whole scenario repeats itself. And I can't believe it either but I did it the second time again! I cancelled my wedding for the second time again last minute for the same reason. This time even my beloved mom couldn't take it no more as I've drained her lifelong savings to flatness over this fictional girl. I feel so sad and bad and sorry for her inside and totally hate myself but I still stuck with my decision.

And I finish the dream still single.

Back to reality, after a day's thinking, I think that's how much I miss Mirja my dutch girl.

A lecturer once said:

A girl may be hot but a person with knowledge is sexier.

Then I figured later on this:

Knowledge is sexy but information about other people (without their knowledge) is sexier.

And now I figured this:

Real knowledge in the art of getting information about people is dangerous. I've become the danger to others.

Another Secret They Didn't Tell You About

Fact is if we spend the amount of time spent on reading the books on reading people, we'll actually go further than just reading the books might bring us. Instead of using the knowledge from the books, we are using the people who's using the knowledge from the books.

Nowander the best people around aren't the ones who read the books best.

I'm stopping blogging.

Believing is Being.

I had erased the left side before wishing I hadn't done that before this.

I had written this super detailed manuscript about a new concept I wanted to experiment out on my surrounding. At the moment of writing this, I was really contemplating doing it and skeptical about it. Alas, I had to write it down.

The underlying concept here about doing so it by writing it out, we are gratificating it into our reality. Even if it is not our reality, by saying it many times and putting our mind into thinking of it and heart into believe it, this shows it can and eventually will be our reality.

I wrote a very extensive instruction to myself on how a step by step explanation on how to make my reality become something it isn't. It wasn't easy to believe a non fact, but one week later I felt the whole manuscript is now redundant already.

Was it really necessary? The way things is now, I have doubts. But in truth it surely was. It shows that people can adapt to changes, be it natural or self inflicted.

As I'm erasing the whole lot, I can't help but summarized it in my mind into just a few words..

One more. The content of it, that's something I'm not gonna share yet ;)

This Is Reality

Today (Sunday the 19th June 2011) is mother's birthday and father's day.

And all three kids are officially out of the house already.

Must be lonely for them.

An Interesting Person Living A Boring Life.

..doesn't make the person a boring person, unlike what's commonly inferred. It shows, among others, the person have focus and a plan.

Last semester I had one of the greatest experience and sweetest memories of my short life and I concluded noone really knows anyone nowadays. How am suppose to share what I've gone through was beyond me, alas share I did not.

For this semester holiday I've decided to spend my holidays by just staying at the hostel, my own room, without doing anything. No outings, no shopping, no dating, no clubbing, no parties, no camping, no great outdoor, nothing. People keep asking me " When are you going back? When are you going home?"

And I'll answer as always, I'm not going back, this is my home.

The home ya' all referrin' to is technically my parent's house and they brought me up there. Same goes with my sister and brother. Like a bird from a nest, once they've grown old enough they'll fly on their own. That house is just another house. Time's changed and people changed too, the home it was now is just another empty plot waiting for time to decide it's fate. No doubt it has sentimental values, but I doubt there is any present home value to it anymore.

Even my dog realises that and doesn't stay there much anymore. Speaks alot by itself.

And they'll think I'm crazy. I'll think they're disillusioned. It seems nobody else beside me seem to realise that home is where we are, not where we think we should be? What the hell is wrong with the world today.

Yes, I am staying in the quiet campus, in my own room. Not doing anything, boring it sure is. But unlike most who just walk through their life, mine's all planned ahead. I'm staying in my room because I'm sticking to my own belief that I've seen enough of the outside world, and the answer to my biggest concern right now lies in me. I need time for myself. Away from all the media influence and distractions of this modern world.

I'd rather grounded me here with a plan, than flying without a destination me there.

If I had the means, I would reteach the whole world how to live life the correct way.

Boring I am not, I'm just choosing to do what others consider least fun. For those who know me well, you bet I'm having the time of my life again, as ever.